Monday, January 19, 2015

Monday morning na wsi

have long envied men the penis. It is true. Oh not for the reasons you might suppose. As a member of the clan of the small bladder, I have envied men their external equipment for the sheer convenience of emptying the bladder easily and freely in nature. As my envy runs strong and deep, I certainly do not want to be confronted with my lack of convenient outdoor peeing ability by watching someone exercise their outdoor peeing ability...outside my kitchen window, at 8:00 a.m. as I make my morning coffee, penis-possessing pee-er facing towards the window, of course, not away.

You would think that brooding Amerykanka before her coffee standing at the window would be enough to deter the morning pees (yes, plural). But you would be wrong.

The pee-ers were part of a crew sent out to check our new sewer line. When I say "our" I mean my village - we've finally been connected to the main sewer line. And when I say "we" I mean basically nobody. Nobody on our street hooked up. We all have septic tanks, some of us even have fancy, smancy ecological septic systems. 

So when the crew had finished their public urination, smoking, and basic standing around, I saw that they came into our yard and were trying to open our septic system. I immediately opened the window to ask "Dude, whatchyadoin?" to which I got an explanation of how they were checking the new sewer pipes and so on. I replied that we were not connected to the sewer system to which the man replied that I must be mistaken as I have a manhole cover in my garden. This goes on for awhile until they are finally satisfied that that stinky containers in my front garden are actually part of our ecological septic system and not the municipal sewer system.

At this point I decided I could ask for a prośba, a little favor. Explaining that I fully understand their lack of dignified hygienic conditions and expressing my envy at their ability to conveniently empty their bladders, I requested that in the future they turn away from the windows while urinating as to maintain their privacy and my innocence :) They immediately apologized, promising to change their ways and came up with a favor themselves - 5 coffees and a cup of tea.

And that is how I came to be drinking coffee in my driveway at 8:30 this morning with 6 municipal sewer inspectors. That's how we start a typical day here in my village.

P.S. I decided to forgive them the public urinatuion as they did apologize. I even give them extra points for recognizing Lizzie is a girl. She made it hard dressed in camouflage and a hoodie. Okay, with a small minus for asking for explicit details of my heating bills and square meters of my house. They even inquired as to the presence of a dog and/or husband at home. I did not divulge presence or absence of dog or husband, but instead told them that I have a gun. That was a pretty good place to end our conversation. 

The aftermath-


Anonymous said...

I suppose you don't have a photo of their faces after you told them you have a gun? ;)

So happy to live in (small, but still) town. My morenings are so boring and ordinary (exept somebody's great idea of having kolęda on New Years Eve morning... Usually part of my family is there and does everything, but even they thought it's riddiculous)


Chris said...

They weren't sure if I was joking about the gun or not ;) They all just paused for a moment, taking a break in their beverage or cigarette.

Sewer line inspectors like their coffee sweet. I almost couldn't watch as they added even 3 heaping spoonfuls. Yuck!

Our koledy were Saturday. My husband only said, "Attention. There is a priest on our street." Then a few minutes later the doorbell rang. Sigh of relief, it was only the neighbor boy coming to play with the girls. The priest knows we aren't members of his congregation because we never do our turn in the chapel cleaning rota.

czarownica said...

You don't have a small bladder, you've got an overactive one and it's treatable.
Thanks for reminding me the village life, I don't miss it too much though.

Chris said...

You are right czar and I treated it, let's say successfully, a few years ago. I've still got what I call an "overactive bladder hangover". When I was still suffering from overactive bladder and painful bladder spasms, I was always worried about bathroom access and keeping my bladder empty. Even though I am fine now (only one relapse) I still exhibit some of those behaviors. That's one of the reasons I hav been to the movies for years.

Sallie said...

Really funny, Christa!

Zycie Koloru Pelne said...

You are so funny! :)
Watch that those 6 don't try to come back for a chat and coffee again and again, you might get them spoiled! :)

Justyna Lomot said...

You've made my morning here in Midtown :) it's so nice to belong to Italian Parish with NO koleda!

Donna said...

Great story! You should write books ;).

Me said...

Ciekawe dlaczego przyszło mi do głowy powiedzenie: człowiek ze wsi wyjdzie, ale wieś z człowieka nie.

Chris said...

Sallie -Thank you very much :)

Zycie - They were czaj-ing around Tuesday morning, but nobody was brave enough to come to the window and ask about some coffee :) And no pee-ers!

Justyna - You know, I used to think that koledy involved the priest singing Christmas carols. It was so disappointing when I found out that wasn't true. Greetings to you in Midtown from deep za dupie :)

Donna -I've heard that a lot lately, and I'm thinking about it. If I just knew how to get started....

Me - True, true. Does that count for part-time wiesniara such as myself ;)

Anonymous said...

Aż mi się przypomniało

Chris said...

Anon-Reminded you of fun times in the village I hope ;)

Anonymous said...

I meant the special kind of vocabulary (in the link) of sewer brigade.