Monday, November 17, 2014

Patriotism po polsku

Are you in the mood for a little patriotism po polsku?

I don’t mean this kind….by Marta Frej.

I mean this kind…by Lizzie Lou.

Patriotism in the eyes of our 8-year-old daughter, represented by the Polish flag, two soldiers, and what I thought was the cat in the hat but turns out to be a kibic (sports fan).

Here’s a closer look.

And now the poem. I know it has got a few mistakes (which give it character), but when I read it the first time I laughed so hard, I cried. Enjoy!

Kiełbasa jest podstawą.

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Once upon a time between Rzędziszowice and Ludgierzowice….

czyli no good deed goes unpunished.

I like to think of myself as a Good Person. Misiu easily fits the mold of a Good Person too. We both try to be Good Role Models to our children. We don’t drink (too much), smoke, take drugs, swear (all the time), drive recklessly, lie (that they know of – I apologize in advance for the whole Santa thing, kids), litter, gossip all the neighbors (in front of them), or ignore someone in need of help. We hold doors open for others, help neighbors with heavy bags, volunteer our time and give to charities.

I am just one small insignificant person. We are just one tiny family unit here on this planet. We cannot help the whole world, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try.

As we drive in the dark and fog each week from the city to the village, we are always on the lookout for wild animals - first to catch the interest of the girls and second to not smash those animals to bits in the grill of the Jeep. Wild animals are not the only thing on our winding forest road that you can smash with your car. Each week we encounter cyclists with and without lights and also pedestrians sometimes walking with the traffic, sometimes against it with no flashlight or reflective clothing. Occasionally, these folks are travelling na podwójny gaz (on double gas), meaning they are under the influence of, most likely, alcohol.

This Friday was not unlike the other Fridays where we have had to swerve at the last second to just miss hitting someone who basically fell in front of or under our car (from the side). I never understood the Polish description padł pod koło samochód (he fell under the tire of the car) until we started to drive this road. 

We were driving as we do between Rzędziszowice and Ludgierzowice when we caught a glimpse of a man face down in the ditch on the side of the road. You know, the ditch, that mythical and magical place your mother imagined you were whenever you came home late from anywhere.There were a lot of other cars but nobody stopped. I’d like to think that they didn’t see him. We stopped the car, hit the emergency lights, and explained the situation to kids. Misiu went ahead with his flashlight lit to find the man in the ditch.

While Misiu was looking for the man in the ditch, the whole time I was waiting at the car with the kids saying to myself, “Please don’t be hurt. Please don’t be dead.” In my mother’s story they (whoever “they” are) find you “dead in a ditch”, so I was really hoping this case wasn’t going to prove my mother right. And here I am going to make a confession. It’s just you and me here and I trust you. I was thinking that there is no way I am going to call emergency and say, “We have a man down here on the road between Rzędziszowice and Ludgierzowice”. It is just physically impossible for me to say it. Szczebrzeszyn, no problem, but not Rzędziszowice and Ludgierzowice.

It turned out that the man was not hit by a car. He simply fell in the ditch and could not get out. This is understandable - the ditch was deep and it was completely dark. He was drunk as well, but otherwise uninjured. He could talk and remember where he lived so Misiu decided to walk him home. Did I say walk? It was more like a combination of carrying and dragging, on a dark forest road, with a lot of traffic, in the rain. I was worried about that guy but I was also worried about Misiu walking back along the side of the dark road. You don’t have to be drunk to get hit by a car. Thankfully Misiu came back - cold, wet, stinking of eau de’drunk-man-in-a-ditch, but satisfied that the man was delivered home safe and more or less sound. What’s a little stranger’s stink when you may have just saved his life? The two foxes we saw after that, normally something that would be the highlight of our drive, were anti-climatic. We gave ourselves big mental pats on the back. Misiu even joked that if I really had had to call emergency for that guy I could have dragged him to the next town - Bukowice which I can easily pronounce.

Basking in our own do-goodery, we were in a hurry to get home, at least to wash off the man’s unpleasant odor. Just a winding road, a few more twists and curves and we’d be home to stew a bit more in our good works. That’s what we were thinking when around the next curve, straight in the middle of the road in the darkness, a man sat. He seemed completely unaware that he was in grave danger of becoming a spot on the road. Bathetic meets pathetic, nie? We swerved to the left and thankfully no car was coming from the other direction. Once again we stopped the car, put on the emergency lights, explained the situation to the girls, turned on the flashlight and went –this time both of us. I wasn’t worried about calling emergency. Wierzchowice I can say.

We quickly determined the man to be drunk but conscious, sort of. There were houses around so Misiu went to try to find out who he was and where he lived. I stayed and tried to get the same information from him and coax him over to the side of the road. I was not successful in getting him to safety nor was I able to get a word of sense out of him. He repeatedly called me “Agnieszka niezłośliwy”. He didn’t say niezłośliwa (harmless) which is the feminine form. He said it as if it were a last name, not an estimation of my character. After that he how-how-ed at the barking dogs between random mumbling. Then I asked him if he could make it to the side of the road if I helped him.

For future reference, a 55-kilogram woman cannot move a 100-kilogram man using one hand and carrying a flashlight in the other hand. For additional future reference, physical contact with a drunken man from the middle of the road is ill-advised especially when this man has not recently bathed and has very recently pissed himself, shat himself and vomited all over himself. Would we do it again? Of course we would do it again, and we will always stop to make sure that random stranger is alright. However, having said that I must admit that driving the rest of the way home with your rzygi hand out the window will really reduce your satisfaction in most likely saving a man’s life from the impending log truck rolling down the hill.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Getting my shit together…one year on.

It seems like only a couple of months ago, but a year ago in honor of my 40th birthday I decided to get my shit together. I even made a plan. So how is it then possible that I have my shit less together than a year ago? How is that even possible?!?

IMG_0840

Anyhow, we are getting our Halloween together, more or less. The girls got their Halloween cards from their grandparents perfectly matched to their little personalities.

IMG_0842

I got my annual, ultra sappy birthday card too.

IMG_0843

I keep them all. I am a card hoarder.

Here’s to another year of trying to get my shit together and most likely failing miserably…to the day I die. Cheers!

Monday, October 20, 2014

As seen in Poland: A beautiful autumn day

Our warm autumn weather is fleeting, soon to give way to gray, rainy days. It’s time to enjoy the sunshine while we can.

Our options were to rake the leaves in the yard or leave those leaves for later and get out of the house.

SDC11195

SDC11205

SDC11213

SDC11219

SDC11224

SDC11226

SDC11227

SDC11228

SDC11231

SDC11232

SDC11233

SDC11235

I think we made the right decision.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Teacher Appreciation Day

Today is Teacher Appreciation Day a.k.a. Teacher’s Day czyli Dzień Nauczyciela a.k.a.Dzień Edukacji Narodowej. Whatever you call it, it is a day to bring something nice to school for your teacher(s).

I remember my first Teacher’s Day in Poland. I was a teacher, and I did not know that it was Teacher’s Day. I didn’t even know that such a day existed. I also came to school on November 1st because nobody told me it was a public holiday. Anyhow, the kids in my first group gave me chocolates, flowers, best wishes and promptly informed me that we cannot have a “real” lesson in honor of Teacher’s Day. They said we should play hangman and eat the chocolates. In honor of Teacher’s Day, I would have much rather gone home and eaten all the chocolates myself, but when in Rome…

In my daughters’ school they had a special assembly in honor of Teacher’s Day, so they had to wear galowy strój today. Lizzie found a mug with her teacher’s name on it. She was very happy to give it as a present along with a box a tea, some chocolates, and a homemade card. Her teacher has an unusual name, the kind of name you almost never find on a mug, so the teacher was pretty happy about it.She hugged and kissed Lizzie, said thank you and then immediately brewed up a cup of tea in her new mug. Lizzie was so proud. Lizzie’s classroom teacher, the IT teacher, the English teacher, and the priest all got flowers as well. The parents of one of Lizzie’s classmates own a flower shop. They played games the rest of day.

Rosie’s group arranged to buy flowers and a box of chocolates for their teacher and for all the kids to make cards at home. They had a poem recitation contest for 1st graders and then played games the rest of the day too. I sent Rosie in with “The Itsy Bitsy Spider”. She must have done a good job because Lizzie, Rosie and Misiu ran into one daddy from school at the supermarket and he said it was impressive. Great job Rosie!

I am happy to report that there were no kartkówki today.

Monday, October 13, 2014

Jutro kartkówka!

40-year-old smart, sexy, witty mother/wife/human being extraordinaire, czyli ja: Lizzie! You have a kartkówka tomorrow.

Lizzie, 3rd grader extraordinaire: What!? Karkówka for dinner tomorrow?

Ja: No, not karkówka (pork neck), karT-kówka. I’m checking your Librus (e-grade book) and it says that you have a kartkówka tomorrow. (stern look from mother)

Lizzie: Ooooh myyyy gaaaawd!!!! (long pause) What’s a kartkówka?

Ja: It’s a quiz.

Lizzie: Ooooh myyyy gaaaawd!!!! (long pause) What’s a quiz?

Ja: It’s like a small test. It comes from the word “kartka”.

Lizzie: Ooooh myyyy gaaaawd!!!! (long pause) A quiz on what?

Ja: I don’t know. It doesn’t say. I thought you’d know.

Lizzie: No idea. Oh well.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

So I'm like basically a celebrity now.

Okay, so not really. Unless walking your kids to school, going to work, picking up your kids from school, going back to work, cooking, cleaning, and laundry is the new definition of celebrity. Like orange is the new black and stressed-out mom is the new celebrity? No?

Who would have thought the beginning of October would be so busy. We’ve got school, homework, dance lessons, soccer practice, and then more homework and work, work and more work. But work is good. Work is a blessing. Even if it is correcting endless texts about erectile dysfunction. Okay, who am I kidding? Endless texts. They just seem endless because I'm still on the first page.

The rainy season has started which allows us to play our favorite morning game as we walk to school – kupa czy ślimak? (poop or slug?) – Sometimes they look identical. They are each gross, but if I had to accidentally step on one or in one, I’d prefer the ślimak. I guess if I am a celebrity I should probably Instagram that, right?

What else is up? Politicians and priests have said so many out-there things lately, I have given up trying to pay attention. Notorious Krystyna Pawłowicz has announced her contest to re-name “gender” which is used in Poland in English or something similar to English, but as far as the meaning of the word it is used almost exclusively incorrectly. I've stopped referring to Krystyna Pawłowicz as Professor Pawłowicz, well, because. Here’s her quote on the topic,
“Jak po polsku nazwać to, co lewactwo ukrywa pod słowem ‘gender’, walki z naturą, z kobietą, mężczyzną i dziećmi, walki z wiarą w Boga?”
“How to call it in Polish, this what the leftists are concealing behind this word ‘gender’, a fight against neighbor, between women, men and children, a fight against faith in God?”
And on the same topic, a quote by archbishop Stanisław Gądecki,
“Niektórym rodzicom podoba się uczenie chłopców, że winni po sobie sprzątać, a nie czekać, aż zrobią to za nich dziewczynki.” 
“Some parents like to teach their boys that they should clean up after themselves and not wait for a girl to do if for them.”
He warns of "lansowaną pod płaszczykiem programu równościowego ideologią genderyzmu".
I don’t know if it comes out clearly in English but he’s against boys cleaning up after themselves.

There were some other politicians who said something weird about incest but I don’t even want to think about it or write about it.


I went to a lovely event last week. It was a kind of fashion show event and Misiu accompanied me which took a lot of scheduling, but we did it somehow. It was very nice and very well-organized czyli da się. Either this city is small or I know a lot of people because I got to see some old acquaintances and catch up. I had my make-up done professionally so I was rockin’ that smoky eye. I got a lot of compliments too…did I mention there were a lot of gays there? It was compliments galore for Chris.

I learned a new word – szpaner, something like 'a show-off'. There were a couple of celebrities that were paid to be there. That means they have to talk with you even if they don't want to and that they encourage you to take pictures with them…to the point where their assistant may ask you if you want to take a selfie with said celebrity. Apparently answering 'no' is kind of a faux pas, but you're a hit with the gays after that. Anyhow, people were crazy, jumping around, posing for selfies, taking pictures on the stage and on the catwalk. My friend said, “I think we are some of the few people here having an actual good time instead of an Instagram good time.” One guy took a picture with me and then walked away as I was introducing myself, asking the girl with him if I was “somebody”. Cra – zeee.

Oh, and by the way, I am somebody.