One small problem

This is our “new” intercom for our apartment building in the city. Intercom in Polish is called domofon. The maintenance man didn’t really do much to it – just a bit of re-wiring and such, but there is one small problem. We live in #15. We have been Bareja-ed.

Actually, we have not been Bareja-ed because if you press the button after #14, the intercom does ring. Barejowanie would be if you had to press #1 and #5 to reach us or even better #3 as the order is reversed here.

Bareja is the film director of numerous comedies picturing some of the absurdities of PRL times. One of my favorites is the one in which the guy buys an apartment and the taps are not connected to water. I always check the taps now after watching that movie, and I was less surprised when I discovered that our workers had hooked up the toilet to the hot water supply. Steamy!

Shake what your momma gave ya!

The original:

 

 The parody:



 The English version:

 


This song, "My Słowianie" by Donatan featuring Cleo has been out for awhile now. It's back in the media as it is being considered for the Eurovision 2014 song competition. Personally, I like the song and the video. I prefer the Polish version though. Despite the "shake what your momma gave ya", the English version has lost the irony of the original. Rosie loves the colors and the clothes. Lizzie is more interested in Donatan's sweatpants -she's our little dresiarka. And Misiu, well, he likes the całokształt ;)

We cannot deny that they video is sexy and some have even called it vulgar. Lizzie commented, "It's a nice video, but why all the boobies?" No własnie, dlaczego? Judging from the other music videos, I'd have to say that boobies jest podstawa. I think I know who Misiu and I are going to be for Halloween next year.

So, have a nice day and don't forget to shake what your momma gave ya.

You can’t have it both ways

Recently I had a discussion about the systems of education in Poland and in the USA, and I have to say Polish people, you can’t have it both ways. Your schools cannot at the same time be the best and the worst in the world. Here are just some of the opinions raised during the discussion:
The Polish school system teaches kids more than in the States.
But it doesn’t teach them how to solve problems.
It’s good that you sent your kids to a Polish school. They will have better math skills than in the US and learn foreign languages.
Let’s face it, Americans aren’t very clever (pointing out the fact that I thought Copernicus was Italian).
But you have to send your kids abroad for high school and/or university. You can’t get a good education in Poland.
Yes, they have to go to school in the US if they want to succeed in life.
American schools focus too much on sports and popularity.
My friend went to the US for a year as an exchange student and she was 3 years ahead of the other students. They made her repeat a year in Poland when she got back.
You can’t be sure about the teachers in Poland.
American students would never graduate from high school if they had to take an exam like Matura.

All above statements (agreeing and conflicting) were made by just two people. It appears that I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t. That’s too much stress for Mommy.
Time to drink more coffee.

That’s So Polish: Foreign Stuff Is Better

As I am planning a trip to the USA sometime in the near future (my definition of near future is within the next 5 years), I have been thinking about what I should pack and what I should bring back. Here’s what I have come up with:

What to pack?

As little as possible.

What to bring back?

As little as possible.

Easy enough.

But that didn’t use to be the case. I mean I always packed light for the trip to the US, my baggage usually consisting of an empty bag inside another empty bag. Then I loaded up in the US on clothes, shoes, cosmetics, everything. The stuff was better and it was way cheaper. Not anymore. We’ve got stuff in Poland too, sometimes too much stuff and sometimes it is even good stuff.

I will no longer stock up on clothes in the US. I will probably buy something if I like it or need it but it won’t be because they don’t have any good clothes in Poland. That doesn’t go for Misiu who will probably do what he always does – go to the Gap and buy out all the flat front khaki pants in his size. Shoes are still generally cheaper in the US as are cosmetics, but not enough to warrant “stocking up”.

In the past when we used to go to the States more often, friends and not-so-friendly friends upon hearing of our upcoming trip would promptly present their wish-lists for things we should buy for them while in the US. The things on the lists ranged from make-up, medicine, vitamins, and clothes all the way to CDs and electronics. Sometimes it was because the things were cheaper in the US and the rest because they were “better”. My old boss was crazy about “better” stuff in America and I had to bring back Centrum Vitamins for him and his whole family even though we have Centrum Vitamins here in Poland and they are made in America. (OK, they are 5 times cheaper in America but that wasn’t point).

One of my students wanted Levi’s from the US and begged me to bring him a pair. I searched and searched but apparently 34/36 is a very hard size to come by. (36/30 on the other hand is a piece of cake to find) The best ever was a former student who emailed and asked me to buy him a laptop. He found it on-line at a shop just a few hours (!!!) from my home. He’d pay me when I got back to Poland. Yeah, right.

There is one student that I always accommodate while in the States. When he wants something, he asks me if I would bring it. Then he buys it on-line and ships it to my parents. I unpack it, tuck it into my bag and deliver it here in Poland. If it is something large or valuable (that the company will not ship directly to Poland) I unpack the bill, re-pack the box and post it to Poland sometimes to myself as a gift (because of taxes, duties, whatever). I always get a “thank you”, reimbursement for the postage and usually some little gift. It’s nice. Except the one time I forgot to tell my parents that a package was on the way…and that my student has a very terrorist-y sounding name. The bomb squad was not called and it all worked out in the end.

When Misiu and I got married, we asked our guests not to give us gifts. We wanted to be cool with our guests and not strain their budgets so close to Christmas. They understood that Misiu’s new American wife didn’t want any of their shitty Polish wedding gifts. That wasn’t the case but whatever… water under the bridge. My sister-in-law had been working in Germany around that time and the next time she was in town she “gifted” us with a couple of bags of washing powder…from Germany. I found that to be an odd gift but since I was using Dosia (quite possibly the worst washing powder ever) I was pleased with the gift. Only later did I find out the Polish people are 100% sure that German washing powder is better…even today. Check out the ad at our local kiosk. “Original detergents from Germany. The largest selection around.”

Maybe foreign stuff is better. I mean, I’m certainly enjoying my foreign husband.

That’s So Polish: Exact Change and Nie Wydam

I am not the first foreign person to notice this or even the first to write about it on their blog, but I will add my 2 cents anyhow ;)

Exact Change

Polish shop assistants have, in my opinion, an abnormal fixation on receiving the exact change meaning that you give them the exact amount of your total complete with all the coins and everything. The next best thing for the shop assistant is to receive an amount of change which allows them to give you back better change, meaning they can give you back, for example, a 20 instead of a 10 and some coins. What’s the reasoning behind this? I suppose, it is to hedge against all the yuppies who clean out the cash register with their fresh bank-o-mat hundreds, but I have often been shaken clean of all my change from a cashier whose cash register was overflowing with coins.

What can ya do?

This habit used to really bug me because even after all these years, I still have to look at the face of the smaller coins to recognize the amount. I usually do the dump-out-all-my-change-in-my-hand thing, turn all the coins over so the numbers are up, and then figure out what combination of these coins will please the shop assistant most. Now, I am much more easy-going and if I have the coins, I hand them over (of course, leaving my precious reserve for parking) sometimes without being asked.

Nie Wydam!

Ok, so the exact change thing I can deal with, but what gets my goat is “nie wydam” (I cannot make change). First of all, let me state that I worked in a clothing store at the mall while at uni, so I know what it means when your first customer of the day cleans out your register. Our store was new so after it happened a couple of times, we decided to increase the starting amount in each register from 200 to 300 dollars. In addition, we had another 300 in the safe in the back consisting of 1’s, 5’s, 10’s and coins. If for some reason that wasn’t enough, we made a trip to the neighboring shops and even to the bank if necessary. It never happened, but we had such a procedure just in case.

So, after the third time the lady at Reserved Kids (something like Gap Kids) told me that she couldn’t make change (a 50 zloty banknote on a 40 zloty purchase) and asked if I could pay by card, I decided that I had had enough of Reserved and Reserved Kids. I left my purchases at the register and walked out of the store. It was a painful decision but I decided to boycott Reserved Kids….for 3 whole months. That’s as long as I made it ‘cause I really love that store. When I returned from my boycott (which I am sure hit them hard), I waited for what the sales assistant would say as I handed over my cash. Unsurprisingly, she couldn’t make change. I asked why in Reserved Kids they never have change and in (regular) Reserved they more often than not have the same problem. She replied, “Store policy.” Hmm, interesting store policy, to never have change for your customers and piss them off at every visit. Excellent store policy.

This week, however, I met my match.

The lady from RUCH.

The Polish readers probably already know why.

If you are not in the know, RUCH is a newsagent which operated during communist times and continues to do business today. What you may not know is that you cannot win with the lady from RUCH. She is always right and you can go f@*# yourself.

I often go to the RUCH in question and my complaint is exclusive to this particular location. It is conveniently located for me near one of my clients. This particular RUCH is not a little kiosk, but more like a shop. It is always clean and well-organized and the shop lady is always nicely dressed and groomed. That being said, if there was a dirty, ugly place next door with a smelly but pleasant salesperson working, I would probably choose the smelly guy over this lady.

So a few days ago, I parked in front of RUCH, got out of my car and headed to the door…where I met my favorite lady backing her way out of the door with keys in hand.

Zamknięte. –she said. [We’re closed]

A Pani wróci ? – I asked. [You’re coming back?]

Tak. – she answered. [Yes]

No to czekam. – I said. [I’m waiting.]

She was surprised that I wanted to wait, but I was early for my lesson so I thought –what the hey- I will wait. I don’t know where the lady, went but she missed out on 2 customers during her absence. She didn’t even hang the “zaraz wracam” sign. [Be right back]

Finally, she was back so I went in after her along with another guy. I know what I wanted, I had had time to figure it out while I waited and I plunked down my meager purchases on the counter while the other customer perused the press. I handed over a 50 to which I heard a mumbled response.

Proszę. Nie słyszałam. – I said [Pardon. I didn’t hear.]

Proszę Pani. Ja nie wydam! – The RUCH lady shouted peering at me from over the top of her glasses which rested at the end of her nose. [Ma’am, I will not make change.]

Hmm. Za ile musze kupić żeby Pani mogła mi wydać? – I asked. [Hmm. How much do I have to spend in order for you to be able to make change?]

No, no, no, proszę Pani, ja nie wiem za ile Pani musi kupić żeby wydać – she answered throwing her hands up in exasperation. [Well, well, well, Ma’am, I don’t know how much you have to spend for me to make change.]

My reply – A kto wie jeżeli Pani nie wie? [Who knows if you don’t know?]

She wasn’t happy with that comment.

Wszyscy ludzie tutaj przychodzą prosto z bankomatu i mam same pięćdziesiątki i stówki i nie wydam Pani. [Everybody comes in here straight from the ATM with 50’s and 100’s and I won’t make you change.]

Chyba Pani musi. – I answered, meaning that she has to make change in order to serve her clients…she understood it a little differently. [I think you have to.]

Ja jako sprzedawca nie mam obowiązku wydać resztę tylko klient ma obowiązek zapłacić daną kwotę. – she explained. [As a merchant, I am not required to make change. It is the customers’ responsibility to pay the right amount.]

Ale w taki sposób Pani nic nie sprzeda. – I countered. [But that way, you won’t sell anything.]

At that moment, the guy behind shouted – Pani nie wyda z 50tki? [You can’t change a 50?]

Nie. [No.]

As if I had planted this customer to prove my point, he put his purchases back on the shelf and left. I took back my 50 and did the same.

Do widzenia – I said. [Good bye]

Do widzenia, Pani. [Good bye, Ma’am]

And 30 minutes of work for this lady, from locking the door in front of me to my leaving the shop, resulted in 4 potential customers who spent 0 zloty. Excellent policy, excellent.

That’s So Polish: The Killer Draft

While many of us have heard (or may believe) that drafts can cause colds, it is only in Poland that I learned drafts can kill.

I would laugh it off as an individual’s idiosyncrasy except that I have heard it many times from many different people. The stories are usually about my friend’s sister’s neighbor’s cousin’s uncle’s baby who died because of a draft. While horrible as that story may be (and I don’t recommend putting babies to sleep under open windows), a draft alone will not do you in.

I decided to investigate the situation and according to Google, the source of all my health information, long-term and repeated exposure to drafts can make you more susceptible to illness, but the draft in and of itself does not make you sick.

I also think we should clarify what we mean by draft. A draft in my opinion is a cold, unpleasant blow of air usually from an open window or door or in an old house. A draft “po polsku” seems to be any movement of air when you have 2 or more windows open in your home. Draft is przeciąg in Polish not to be confused with pociąg which is something else entirely.

So drafts do not cause colds. There is no medical reason why I cannot open windows in all the rooms of my home simultaneously. In my opinion, stuffy is not better than drafty and so far (knock on wood or unpainted wood as it is in Polish), no one in our family has been the victim of a deadly draft. Scratch that. My mother-in-law’s window slammed shut and broke after an unfortunate draft incident. Don’t ask, it was all Dziadek’s fault.

On a side note, depending on who you talk to you shouldn’t eat ice cream or drink cold drinks when the weather is too cold or…..too hot for that matter. Yes, I have heard it both ways.

And apparently, if you eat a lot of rich foods your liver will hurt.

And a cure for bladder and kidney ailments is warm underwear (not antibiotics).

And vodka kills germs (this one is probably true).

Na zdrowie!

That’s So Polish: I hate spinach and “milk soup”! To takie polskie - Nienawidzę szpinaku i "zupy mlecznej"!

Polish folks may disagree on many things - politics, religion, who should win Dancing with the Stars, but there is one thing that unites them- their distaste for spinach and “milk soup”.

First of all, what is milk soup? That’s what I asked when for the 4th, 5th, 6th, 27th time I heard from an adult about the horrors of milk soup. Milk soup is made from milk, obviously, but the actual contents change from person to person. It can be oatmeal, cream of wheat, cream of rice or milk with some homemade noodles. The common element to all of these milk soups, besides milk, is that they are yucky. Or so the Polish folks say.

The same goes for spinach. When my adult students describe being forced as children to eat spinach in pre-school, I almost want to laugh at them, but their disgust is real.

I actually kind of like “milk soup” and I also like spinach. What’s up with the Polish taste buds? For heaven’s sake, Polish people eat tripe. That’s way worse than milk soup. That’s way worse than spinach. That’s way worse than milk soup mixed with spinach.

Ok, that’s what I thought, until the first time I had the pleasure of spending a week in a Polish hospital. Unfortunately, I’ve had this pleasure many times. I’ve learned many things from my stays in Polish hospitals - bring your own TP and cutlery, for example, but I have also learned the origin of the Polish prejudice against 2 quite innocent foods.

Institutional milk soup and institutional spinach.

Institutional milk soup and institutional spinach are quite different from the same milk soup or spinach you would eat at home. They resemble in practically no way milk, soup, or spinach…and the smell…is horrible and that is saying something because hospitals (and pre-schools) are full of bad smells.

The first time I was served milk soup in hospital, I asked what it was. The nurse informed me (the strange foreign lady) that it was milk soup. That, I could see, but the taste didn’t agree with the description, and I said so. With a huff, the nurse informed me that maybe it was because it was made from last night’s chicken soup and powdered milk. Gulp.

Ok, that’s not the worst thing I was served in hospital. Once I was served chicken hearts and lost 4 kilos in one week (without having a baby), but that’s another story.

Back to the spinach…I didn’t bother to ask the nurse what was on my plate this time. That’s what my numerous hospital roommates were for. The lady next to me (suffering quite obviously from anorexia, but diagnosed with “nerwica”) said that it was spinach. No? Spinach? It couldn’t be. First of all, it was completely liquid. Second of all, it was brown, not green or green-brown, not brown-green, just brown. And third of all, it smelled like something found in a child’s diaper. Scratch that, it smelled worse than something found in a child’s diaper.

And now I understand why Polish folks are not very fond of milk soup and spinach. After my experiences, I too can “be Polish” and commiserate about the awfulness of it all.

Smacznego!

PS Kielbasa Stories has a new follower. Welcome Magdalena! Thanks for joining us and thanks for reading.

To takie polskie - Nienawidzę szpinaku i "zupy mlecznej"

Polacy może nie zgadzają się w wielu rzeczach - polityka, religia, kto powinien wygrać Taniec z Gwiazdami, ale jest jedna rzecz, która ich łączy - ich niechęć do szpinaku i "zupy mlecznej".

Przede wszystkim, co to jest zupa mleczna? To właśnie pytanie zadałam, kiedy po raz czwarty, piąty, szósty, 27-my usłyszałam od dorosłych o okropnościach zupy mlecznej. Zupa mleczna jest zrobiona z mleka, oczywiście, ale rzeczywista zawartość zmienia się z osoby na osobę. Mogą to być płatki owsiane, kasza manna, krem z ryżu lub mleka z domowym makaronem. Wspólnym elementem wszystkich tych zup mlecznych, obok mleka, jest to, że są bardzo paskudne. Przynajmniej Polacy tak mówią.

To samo dotyczy szpinaku. Kiedy moi dorośli uczniowie opisują jak byli zmuszani jako dzieci do jedzenia szpinaku w przedszkolu, prawie chce mi się śmiać z nich, ale ich obrzydzenie jest prawdziwe.

Mi tak naprawdę smakuje "zupa mleczna" i szpinak też. Co jest nie tak z polskimi kubkami smakowymi? Na miłość boską, Polacy jedzą flaki. Flaki są dużo gorsze od zupy mlecznej. Flaki są dużo gorsze niż szpinak. Flaki są nawet gorsze niż zupa mleczna wymieszana ze szpinakiem.

Ok, tak myślałam, dopóki nie miałem przyjemność spędzić tydzień w polskim szpitalu. Niestety, miałam tę przyjemność wiele razy. Nauczyłam się wielu rzeczy podczas moich pobytów w polskich szpitalach-zabrać za sobą papier toaletowy i sztućce, na przykład, ale również nauczyłam się pochodzenia polskiego uprzedzenia wobec 2 całkiem niewinnych produktów żywnościowych.

Instytucjonalna zupa mleczna i instytucjonalny szpinaku.

Instytucjonalne zupa mleczna i szpinak są dość różne od tej zupy mlecznej lub szpinaku, który jemy w domu. Nie przypominają ani trochę mleka, zupy lub szpinaku ... i zapach ... jest straszny i to właśnie dużo mówi, ponieważ szpitale (i przedszkola) są pełne brzydkich zapachów.

Po raz pierwszy jak zaserwowano mi mleczną zupę w szpitalu, spytałam co to było. Pielęgniarka poinformowała mnie (dziwną zagraniczną panią), że to zupa mleczna. To widziałam, ale smak nie zgadzał się z opisem i tak też powiedziałam. Z irytacją, pielęgniarka poinformowała mnie, że może to dlatego, że to było robione z wczorajszego rosołu i mleka w proszku. Łyk.

Ok, to nie jest najgorsza rzecz, którą dostałam w szpitalu. Kiedyś dostałam serca kurczaka i straciłam 4 kg w ciągu tygodnia (bez urodzenia dziecka), ale to inna historia

Wracając do szpinaku ... nie pofatygowałam się, aby spytać pielęgniarki, co było na talerzu tym razem. Po co miałam moich licznych współlokatorów w pokoju. Pani obok mnie (oczywiście chora na anoreksję, ale u niej napisano "nerwica") powiedziała, że to szpinak. Nie? Szpinak? Nie może być. Przede wszystkim, to było całkowicie płynne. Po drugie, było brązowe, a nie zielone lub zielono-brązowe, a nie brązowo-zielone, tylko brązowe. I po trzecie, pachniało jak coś z dziecięcej pieluchy. Wymazuję to, pachniało gorzej niż coś z dziecięcej pieluchy.

I teraz rozumiem, dlaczego Polacy nie za bardzo lubią zupę mleczną i szpinak. Po moich doświadczeniach ja też mogę "być Polką" i marudzić o okropnościach tego wszystkiego.

Smacznego!

That’s So Polish: Super Critical Self-criticism

Well, we were not flooded, thank goodness. I mean, our part of the City was not flooded, but inhabitants of one district of the City were not so fortunate. In other parts of Poland, the damage was much, much worse.

But that’s not the impression you’d get if you asked some City citizens from the street…

“a tragedy”

“a catastrophe”

“heads should roll”

Why? Because one district of the City was flooded a little bit? A district of new blocks of flats built after the flood of ‘97?

Whose heads should roll? Maybe the people who gave building permission for those blocks of flats in the first place, certainly not the officials (and local people) trying to prevent them from being flooded.

We were a little bit afraid that the City would be flooded. A few days before the flood water actual hit us, we were warned by the TV and newspapers that it probably wouldn’t be as bad as in ‘97, but to be prepared just in case. On the Thursday before the flood waters hit, there was a false alarm that the City officials were going to shut off the water (and perhaps the electricity) in preparation for the flood wave. I immediately turned on the local radio where I heard an announcement by City officials that it was absolutely not true, that there were no plans and no need to shut off the water. That didn’t stop me from stocking up on water and other essentials (such as diapers, lollipops, and coloring books) just in case. In addition, there was a report of when the flood wave would hit and that some parts of the City may be flooded. The mayor of the City ensured us that we were all safe and that no one in the City would be flooded. It was his mistake, but he was going on the information he had at the time.

And then the flood wave hit the City. Our City is built along the river in the flood plain, what can we do? The levees did their jobs all except in one area. Even the sand bag embankments didn’t hold up.

On the way to the Village a day after the flood wave hit, I was able to see that the flooded streets were blocked off, protected by police officers and fire fighters who were directing traffic and giving information. There was a huge traffic jam on one of the main bridges as drivers slowed and even stopped to gawk at the high river waters. Along the way at the smaller bridges, sand bags were ready with volunteers and officers awaiting the signal. Everything seemed to be under control.

Now that the flood waters have receded, the financial and political bill must be tallied. While awful for those whose homes and businesses were flooded, the physical damage is not that great (I’m talking about my City). It shouldn’t cost exorbitant amounts to clean up. More costly will be building more levees to protect more areas of the City in the future…if only the działkowicze will give up their precious garden allotments for the good of the rest of us. Politically costly was the risk the mayor took in guaranteeing the City’s safety. Many citizens (even those who remained high and dry) cannot come to terms with his infallibility.

As to other places in Poland that were flooded, I do not know if heads should roll. I’d like to think the emergency effort was a success. Floods will happen, but the goal is to first minimize human loss and then if possible financial loss. I did see a crying lady interviewed live on TVN 24, getting out of a boat that had just saved her from the roof of her flooded home. I must admit I shed a tear right along with her as she lamented the loss of her whole life’s wealth, her family photos, her family pet. Then the report showed 2 previous visits to this lady’s home. One 4 days earlier on foot by the firefighters who had tried to evacuate her. Another visit 2 days prior by boat when the water had pushed the lady to the second floor of her home. She wouldn’t budge. Whose head should roll that this lady almost lost her life along with her home?

The best tallying of the flood’s bill, I heard on the local radio. It was the height of Polish self-criticism. Because in case you didn’t know, Polish folks are super self-critical. The journalists discussed everything that had gone wrong in this flood, every misstep of the officials, every forecasted misstep in the clean-up effort. The general atmosphere was that we (Poland) can’t do anything right. Sure, their were some mistakes made, but in my opinion there was a lot of “done right” in this flood.

The most unbelievable part of the radio broadcast was when one journalist used the response to Hurricane Katrina in the US as an example of “done right”. I’m not saying that nothing was done right in the response to Hurricane Katrina, but so much was “done wrong” that the mistakes kind of cloud over the rest. And what did I say, American citizen, when I got to know about the tragic errors in the Katrina effort? Did I blame my country and say that we (America) cannot do anything right? No, of course not. I said that George Bush cannot do anything right, not the whole country. My super critical self-criticism only extends to me, not the whole nation, but that’s just me. (See PS1)

I do not know exactly where Polish folks self-criticism stems from. Perhaps from living among other countries, always comparing how we (I mean you or I guess they) measure up. Perhaps it has something to do with Poland, always the nervous neighbor, being forced to host a few invading nations in the past. Perhaps it is connected to the communist era? Maybe it is a little bit of each of these all rolled into one. I’m open to any of your theories.

One good thing to come out of the flood is that Lizzie has discovered (to her extreme delight) that firefighters have duties other than just putting out fires and saving kittens from trees. She got to know that firefighters can evacuate people from flooded homes by boat or even by helicopter and can help build sand bag levees to protect against the approaching flood waters. So now instead of our everyday game “pali się w piwnicy”(the basement is burning), we now play “wielka woda idzie” (the flood is coming), build a pillow levee and evacuate Rosie from the bedroom. So fun!

PS1:  Hurricane Katrina happened in 2005. 1836 people died. The criticism of the response was that there was a serious lack of communication between officials, agencies, and citizens. It was often unclear who was in charge. This led to evacuation orders coming too late without sufficient transport or shelter provided. These delays in response continued even after the hurricane hit and only fueled the criticism. With no, one entity being responsible (or to blame) for the inadequate response, most fingers pointed to the easiest and clearest target, President George W. Bush.

PS2: My hometown has a kick-ass levee built by the Army Corps of Engineers when I was a teen. It was controversial and expensive. Controversial because in my historic hometown after most industry moved south or abroad, the river view was the one thing that we had left. Expensive, well, because it is expensive. It is expensive to design, build and maintain a levee. It is expensive to remove people from their homes and compensate them for the loss of their property. It is expensive to get the citizens behind the plan especially those ones a little ways down river who will not benefit at all and probably will get flooded even more.

But the plan passed, and the levee was built. Those people who lived along the river lost their view but gained security in knowing that their homes (and the whole downtown) would not be flooded. The whole city gained a fantastic meeting place as the levee was built with a running/walking/biking path on top complete with park benches, lighting and an amphitheatre with a floating stage out on the river for concerts and shows. My parents lost a rental property and a river lot where my father kept his boat. But he had no choice (eminent domain), and he was compensated more or less fairly.

From the time of the last flood and until the levee was built, no building projects in my hometown could be built on the ground level. All projects had to be raised. That makes for some pretty interesting buildings, homes and shopping centers in my hometown especially now that the levee has been built. As for my father’s rental house, it was said that his house (along with the whole street of homes) would be destroyed. You can imagine my surprise one day as I waited to exit my university’s parking lot only to see my father’s house travel past me on the back of large truck. The city didn’t destroy the homes, just picked them up and moved them to higher ground.

Hope you are able to stay high and dry!

That’s So Polish: Poland Is Better At Everything

I am American and I am proud of it. But I don’t live in America. I live in Poland. That must mean that Poland is super duper, right? Not really. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not knocking Poland. I think that some things in America are great and some things are not. I feel the same about Poland. I think that some things here are great and that some things are not. Mostly things here are just different.

My father would not agree with me (or you, if you feel the same as I do). Yes, he’d agree that things here are different. There’s no denying when I look out the window that I’m not in America anymore, but the buildings are no better or worse, just different. For my father, different means worse. Everything in America is how it should be and things should be done the American way (read: the right way). Or at least that’s the impression we got when he visited us.

Having said that, I have to defend my father and any others out there who view their own way as THE WAY (such as myself when I first came to Poland). When I first came here, I often found myself saying things like, “In America, school is organized this way…” half-expecting my teacher friends to declare, “Yes! Finally! A school system that makes sense. Why didn’t we think of that?!?” OK, I said half-expecting which really means secretly hoping, so don’t judge me for my reaction to my first real taste of a foreign culture.

We like what is familiar to us. If you only know one way, be it the American way, the German way or the Chinese way, you tend to think that your way is the best. Exposure to other cultures and other ways of doing things is the best way for us to see what is good, what is bad, what is the same and what is different in other people and other ways of doing things. And even my father, the most American of all Americans, would certainly agree with that.

But this is supposed to be about the Polish way, not the American way, but I digress.

If you are planning to visit Poland, you should know a few things.

Disclaimer: If you do not have a sense of humor and are genetically unable to recognize satire and/or sarcasm, you should stop reading now.

You should know that Polish women are the most beautiful in the world. If you don’t believe me, just ask one of them (or one of their spouses). In addition, Polish landscapes, nature, flora and fauna cannot be beaten by any other.

You should know that Polish folks are pretty good dancers and they will assume that you know how to dance too. If you are like me and cannot dance, I suggest feigning illness. The previous statement is true for drinking. Please replace “dance” with “drink” and the same rules apply.

You should know that Polish schools are the most difficult of any you have ever attended and if you are American you should know that you are a moron. (I couldn’t resist;)

You should know that the Polish health care system is at the same time the best and the worst you could ever experience. Moreover, every health care professional earns peanuts especially my OB/GYN who drives a Mercedes-Benz S-Class. Apparently peanuts are worth more than they used to be.

You should know that Polish salaries are low (which actually is kind of true) and that gasoline is expensive (especially compared to America).

You should know that Polish food (the actual food, not the cuisine) is far superior than the artificial, jedzeniopodobny food of where ever you are from.

If you are American, you should know that Poland would like to thank you and at the same time strangle you for the introduction of Coca-cola, McDonald’s, KFC, Pizza Hut, etc. into Polish society.

You should know that Polish folks have a tendency to complain. Complainers should not be seen as pessimists. It is just a societal feature such as American people who are always “fine”, end every conversation with “have a nice day” and who never tire of talking about America.

Lots of brave and intelligent Polish folks have made many valuable contributions to history and to the arts and sciences over the years and damn you if you don’t know every last one of them. A piece of advice – Never tell anyone that you used to think Copernicus was Italian or that Marie Curie and Chopin were French. Trust me.

You should know that traffic jams in Poland are worse than anything you have ever experienced at least in Europe, unless you are from Brussels. The latest ranking for the worst traffic in Europe is as follows: #1 Brussels #2 Warsaw #3 Wroclaw. You see, I told you Poland is better at everything.

Are you royally perturbed at the moment? Yes? No? Maybe? It’s like with your siblings. You can beat on your sister as much as you want, but just wait until somebody else makes fun of her. So I guess I’m just another foreigner making fun of Poland. Not really. I am another foreigner, but I do live in Poland and have lived here awhile. My husband is Polish and my children are Polish. I have a NIP (a tax-payer #) and a PESEL (like America’s Social Security #). I have made pierogi by hand, by myself on more than one occasion…and they were really good. Enough said.

Please don’t think I haven’t fallen victim to the “Poland is better” syndrome myself.

• While teaching US History in the States, I organized a letter exchange between some of my old students in Poland and some of my American students in the US. We couldn’t send emails because our school in the US did not have a computer lab. I was truly horrified when I saw that the majority of my American students were unable to write appropriate letters and that the Polish students of the same age had written better letters in English, their second (and for some third) language. I was also saddened to find out that more than half of my students had never sent or received any piece of mail ever and most of them did not know how to properly address an envelope…at age 15.

• Once I totally overreacted and berated (via email) one of my friends who sent me a “Polish” computer virus. It went something like this: This is a Polish computer virus. Please delete your entire hard drive yourself. Actually, it is pretty funny if you have some emotional distance to those kinds of jokes. I was having a bad day, and I let her have it. By chance, in the newspaper that day, it was reported that some Polish students have received some big award from Microsoft or something, and I included that in my email as proof of how inaccurate her views about Poland were. After I calmed down, I sent another email asking her to disregard the first email and apologized for my rant. She in turn apologized for her joke. To be sure, I am no longer on her list of people to forward jokes to.

• Another time I overreacted was while shopping at an outlet mall in the US where I had previously worked as a student. Misiu and I were shopping and we bought a pair of shoes. No biggie, right? We paid for them and then the saleslady tried to put the shoe box in a bag that was obviously way too small. She commented on her own struggle saying, “Jeez, I am doing this like a Polak.” Big mistake. I shot off questions to the saleslady like, “Are you saying that Polish people are stupid? Do you even know where Poland is? My Misiu can speak Polish and a few other languages. What about you?” At that point, her face was bright red and she was having trouble with her own language, the English language. I bet she never made a comment like that again, at least not in public. Of course, these days I’d probably let it go, or I’d tell her in a less confrontational way that it’s not cool to say stuff like that.

I haven’t had it easy either. I often have to defend my country and my countrymen. “Chris, why are you all so ………. over there in America (fill in whatever you want in the blank)?” I have a lot less explaining to do now that George Bush is out of office. I remember one student who gave me no peace. She was an IT specialist in her mid 50s and she informed me that I was stupid every chance she could. She often laughed “what a talent it is to teach someone your own language”. She also thought it was a pity Hitler didn’t “finish his job”, so I figured she was pretty nutty to begin with.

And on that nutty note, I end this post because my Polish husband who is better at everything is waiting for me.

PS I forgot to mention that my father hangs the American flag outside his home every morning and takes it back in every evening. In honor of the Polish plane crash victims, he hung his Polish flag along with the American flag for a week. That’s my Dad.

That’s So Polish: The Always Clean Car

Washing the family cars was my job as a kid (along with raking the leaves, cleaning out the roof gutters and shoveling the snow), so I have always believed that I am more than capable of keeping my car(s) clean - until I came to Poland. Polish folks like their cars clean. I mean really clean, like once-a-week-washing clean.

And there is nothing wrong with that. "Cleanliness is next to godliness," they say and as my Grandmother used to say, “There’s nothing wrong with being poor, but there’s no excuse for being dirty.”

In Poland, in addition to the every day kind of clean, your car should also be cleaned before special holidays in which you may be driving around visiting family. Of course, you should wash your car before driving to a wedding or funeral or another similar occasion.

I’ve kind of given up competing with Polish drivers in their quest for a clean and shiny car. Maybe it is because I drive on a dirt (and mud) road several times a day, so my efforts would be futile anyway. Maybe it is just because I am lazy. Just call me “brudas”.

In Misiu’s hometown there is one very popular carwash. It isn’t cheap, but you can easily acquire enough points from the gas station for a free wash. There’s always a line of cars waiting to be washed…and in my opinion, not a one of them is dirty enough to warrant a wash. Those are the cleanest “dirty” cars I have ever seen.

On more than one occasion, I have been told by someone (usually a complete stranger) that I should wash my car. One parking attendant examined my super muddy SUV-ek and said, “Cars are to be washed, in case anyone hasn’t told you.” I replied that cars are first and foremost for driving, in case he didn’t know. And maybe that’s where I am wrong.

Maybe cars aren’t just for driving. Maybe they should look nice too. Maybe it really does say something about me that my cars are almost always dirty.

I was considering the title “Poland’s Got Talent” for this post. I’m referring to Polish people’s amazing talent of washing an entire vehicle with only one bucket of water. I have seen it done many times and am amazed that it is possible. Really, it can be done.

Wishing you sunny skies and shiny, clean cars!