You probably thought I was on vacay

No such luck. Actually, I’ve been very busy. I may be one of the few English teachers who has a busy summer season. Summer for ESL teachers in Poland usually equals starvation- school kids are on holiday, business people are on holiday. Just about everyone is taking a vacation. Except me. (dramatic pause to dry a tear)

Summer can equal starvation unless, like me, you take all “your” teachers’ lessons and all your friends’ lessons plus all your own lessons. Then you don’t have time to scratch your arse…or check your blog.

Oh, sweet September. I am waiting for you.

2 Ways To Drink Chardonnay – 2 Sposoby Picia Chardonnay

My job isn’t usually very exciting. It’s interesting enough, but not exactly exciting. It’s a lot of -you should use borrow here not lend – or - don’t use will after if in the 1st conditional - and the like.

It also involves a lot of nodding in agreement when employees say what an idiot their boss is and when bosses say what idiots their employees are. (Note: There usually is an idiot in every office. The idiot is quite easy to spot. He/she is the one calling everyone else an idiot.)

But on that rare occasion, I get a treat – usually in the form of chocolate (yum, from Harrod’s) or homemade sushi (yuck) and twice in my teaching career in the form of chardonnay.

How to drink chardonnay during your English lesson

by Chris

Way #1

Your student asks you if you are a big chardonnay drinker. You reply that no,you are not but you’d like to try it. Said student (who likes to educate all around him – but not in a bad way) takes the opportunity to explain the proper way to drink chardonnay – in a chardonnay glass held in your hands to warm it up to the proper temperature. There’s also a lot of swishing and smelling going on…and of course a lot of glass refilling. The chardonnay was delicious although I felt a little ridiculous warming the glass with my hands, swirling the chardonnay around in the glass, repeatedly smelling and exclaiming “what a marvelous bouquet”. That did not prevent me, however, from drinking 2 (who am I kidding, 4) glasses.

Way #2

You arrive to a late afternoon/evening lesson (it’s after 6 pm, you be the judge) only to find the secretaries are gone and half the board is sitting (a bit tipsy) in the conference room congratulating each other profusely and patting each other on the back a little too hard. I think I even saw a tear or two. The conference room, strewn with bottles of champagne and a few bottles of chardonnay, is a disaster area. When you ask what’s up you get to know that the company has finally finished contract negotiations and has been purchased by a foreign company for a pretty hefty sum, hence the celebratory atmosphere.

Ok, chances for a lesson are out the window, so I suggest we re-schedule, but my student has other plans. Maybe some chardonnay, he offers. Yes of course, I reply - but there are no clean chardonnay glasses…nor are there any clean champagne glasses. My student returns triumphant from the kitchen after quite a considerable absence – I think it was his first time in there- with a coffee cup (clean) with the company logo. As my cup was filled to the brim, I noted to myself that this wasn’t a very classy way to drink a very good (and certainly expensive) chardonnay, but what the hell. Problems started later because (in the mouth of my good friend as she said to her mother) the cup of chardonnay doesn’t count as only one cup, if you keep filling it up. After one cup my head was a little buzzy and after two my Polish got really good. After three, I thought I could fly and after that I called Misiu to come and pick me up.

Bottoms up!

2 sposoby picia chardonnay

Moja praca nie jest zwykle bardzo ekscytująca. Jest ciekawa, ale niezupełnie ekscytująca. Dużo jest – powinieneś użyć tutaj BORROW a nie LEND, lub nie używaj WILL po IF w zdaniach warunkowych 1 typu – i temu podobnych.

Trzeba też dużo przytakiwać, kiedy pracownicy mówią jakim to idiotą jest ich szef i kiedy szefowie mówią jakimi idiotami są ich pracownicy. (Uwaga: Zwykle jest idiota/idiotka w każdym biurze. Idiotę bardzo łatwo zauważyć. Otóż to ta osoba, która nazywa idiotami wszystkich innych.)

Ale rzadko – otrzymuję jakiś smakołyk – zwykle w formie czekolady (pychota, z Harrod’sa) lub domowej roboty sushi (ohyda) a dwa razy w trakcie mojej nauczycielskiej kariery w formie chardonnay.

Jak pić chardonnay podczas lekcji angielskiego wg Chris

Sposób 1

Twoi uczniowie pytają cię, czy jesteś miłośnikiem chardonnay. Odpowiadasz, że nie, ale chętnie spróbujesz. Wspomniany uczeń (który lubi dokształcać wszystkich wokół siebie – ale nie w złym sensie) korzysta z okazji i wyjaśnia właściwy sposób picia chardonnay – w kieliszku do chardonnay trzymanym w dłoniach, ażeby go zagrzać do odpowiedniej temperatury. Jest przy tym dużo szeleszczenia i wąchania … i oczywiście ponownego napełniania szkła. Chardonnay było wyśmienite chociaż czułam się trochę śmiesznie ogrzewając kieliszek w dłoniach, mieszając wino lekko wirując szkłem, cały czas wachając i wykrzykując “co za wyśmienity bukiet”. To mnie nie powstrzymało jednakże od wypicia 2 (żarty na bok - 4) kieliszków.

Sposób 2

Przyjeżdżasz na późnopopołudniową/wieczorną lekcję (jest po 18.00, sami osądźcie) po to tylko, żeby zobaczyć, że sekretarki już poszły, a pół zarządu siedzi (lekko wypita) w sali konferencyjnej obficie składając sobie nawzajem gratulacje i poklepując po plecach trochę zbyt mocno. Myślę, że zauważyłam też łzę lub nawet dwie. Sala konferencyjna, zasypana butelkami po szampanie i kilkoma chardonnay, wygląda jak miejsce katastrofy. Kiedy pytasz, co sie dzieje, dowiadujesz się, że firma udanie zakończyła negocjacje w sprawie przejęcia i została zakupiona przez zagranicznego inwestora za sporą sumę, i stąd też atmosfera świętowania.

No dobrze, szanse na lekcje są marne, więc proponuję przełożenie na inny termin, ale mój uczeń ma inne plany. Może trochę chardonnay, oferuje – ale nie ma czystych kieliszków do wina, ani do szampana. Mój uczeń wraca triumfalnie z kuchni po dość znacznej nieobecności – myślę, że był tam pierwszy raz, z kubkiem do kawy (czystym) z logo firmy. Jak już mój kubek został napełniony po brzegi, pomyślałam w duchu, że nie będę pić z klasą tego bardzo dobrego (i z pewnością drogiego) chardonnay, ale co tam! Problemy zaczęły się później ponieważ (to z ust mojej koleżanki, która tak powiedziała swojej matce) kubek chardonnay nie liczy się jako tylko jeden kubek jeśli cały czas go napełniasz. Po jednym kubku zaczęło mi szumieć w głowie, a po dwóch moja znajomość języka polskiego naprawdę się poprawiła. Po trzech poczułam, że odlatuję po czym zadzwoniłam po Misia, żeby po mnie przyjechał.

Do dna!

A Good Thing – Dobre Strony

A good thing about being a “travelling” English teacher is that when you arrive for a morning lesson you are served delicious coffee…with foam…in a nice cup with saucer…by a smiling lady or occasionally a gentleman. Mmmm, good.

Another nice thing about being a travelling English teacher is that when you arrive for an afternoon lesson, perhaps after a very important meeting, you can eat the left-over sandwiches. Everyone knows that left-over sandwiches made by someone else are the most delicious. Mmmmm, today’s sandwiches were exquisite - (open-faced sandwiches, of course).

For those with a sweet tooth, another nice thing about being a travelling English teacher is that name days (instead of birthdays)are still a popular occasion in offices and you may be lucky enough to receive a piece of cake. Mmmmm, name-day cheese cake.

For a lazybones like me, a nice thing about being a travelling English teacher is that you have the right to park in the special parking spot marked “gość” (guest) just a few steps from the main door.

A good thing about being a travelling English teacher is that you can meet lots of different people from different business sectors and learn really interesting things about them and their job and about their world view. I take the most interesting and intelligent sounding ideas and later pass them on as my own.

That’s a good thing, too ;)

PS Kielbasa Stories has a new follower. Welcome W drodze! Thanks for joining us and thanks for reading.

Dobre Strony

Dobrą stroną bycia “wędrownym” nauczycielem angielskiego jest to, że kiedy przyjeżdżasz na poranną lekcję, uśmiechnięta pani lub czasami pan, podają ci przepyszną kawę ... z pianką ... w ładnej filiżance ze spodkiem. Mmmm, dobre.

Kolejną miłą rzeczą – kiedy jesteś wędrownym nauczycielem angielskiego - jest to, że kiedy przyjeżdżasz na popołudniową lekcję, być może po jakimś ważnym spotkaniu, możesz zjeść wszystkie kanapki, które zostały. Każdy wie, że kanapki, które zostały zrobione przez kogoś innego są najsmaczniejsze. Mmmm, dzisiejsze kanapki były wyśmienite – (były to oczywiście kanapki otwarte).

Dla tych, którzy lubią słodycze, kolejną dobrą stroną bycia wędrownym nauczycielem angielskiego jest to, że imieniny (zamiast urodzin) są ciągle powszechną okolicznością w biurach i można mieć tyle szczęścia, żeby otrzymać kawałek ciasta. Mmmm, imieninowy sernik!

Dla leniwych jak ja, miłą stroną bycia wędrownym nauczycielem angielskiego jest to, że masz prawo zaparkować na specjalnym miejscu parkingowym z napisem „gość” tylko parę kroków od głównego wejścia.

Dobrą stroną bycia wędrownym nauczycielem angielskiego jest to, że możesz poznać wielu różnych ludzi z różnych branż i dowiedzieć się naprawdę ciekawych rzeczy o nich i ich pracy oraz ich światopogląd. Ja zbieram najciekawsze i najinteligentniej brzmiące pomysły i przekazuję je później dalej jako moje własne.

I to też jest dobra strona ;)

National Window Cleaning Week

In case you didn’t know, it is National Window Cleaning Week in Poland. I’m just kidding, but take a look around and you’ll see what I mean.

I remember my first Easter after starting to teach English in the City. Occasionally, I had cancellations and clusters of cancellations especially around holidays. But the explanations went something like this, “Chris, we have to cancel the lesson October 31st because nobody from our group will be at work. We have to travel to our family for November 1st (All Saint’s Day).” Ok, that’s reasonable.

Or something like this, “Chris, we’re cancelling our lessons on Christmas Eve and the days between Christmas and New Year’s. Nobody will be at work those 2 weeks. We’ll meet again the first week of January.” That sounds reasonable, too.

But my first Easter went something like this, “Chris, we have to cancel our lessons next week before Easter….”

Now I am expecting reasons such as shopping, cooking, traveling but not this,

“…because we have to clean our windows.”

Clean your windows? They are cancelling because they have to clean their windows. They’ve got to be pulling my leg, but then the next group cancels with the same excuse and another and another.

Wishing you sunny skies and time to clean your windows!

PS My windows will not be cleaned. I do not bow to the pressure of Polish society ;)

PS2 Is it wrong to simultaneously have Christmas decorations, Valentine’s Day decorations and Easter decorations hanging in your house at the same time?

Good Teacher/Bad Teacher: Teaching English the Kryśka way

There are many methods for learning a language. Unfortunately, there are no magic methods. Part of my job is to balance out the methods I like to use and think are effective with the methods my students are used to and prefer. Most importantly, I want my students to learn English. You’d be surprised how many teachers don’t really care if their students learn anything, as long as they all enjoy the lessons and pay the bills. In order for my students to learn English, I have to put forth some effort to teach them, but my students also need to put forth some effort to learn.

How do I get my students to do what I want them to do?

When I taught in high school in the Village, it was pretty easy. Almost all the kids had their eyes on the prize – university- and didn’t want to do anything to jeopardize their good grades and future studies.

With adults, it is a little more difficult. Firstly, I use two teaching tools - proximity and physical contact. I did not make that up myself as some sort of an excuse to touch my students. I learned it at teacher’s college. The theory is that if you place yourself near your student and from time to time make light physical contact, the student’s performance will increase (and discipline problems decrease). This works in groups. In individual lessons, your student will just think that you are weird and wonder why you are sitting so close and touching him all the time.

Another method I use is rewards. The simplest reward I use is praise, but that’s not very tangible. I mean you can’t take it home and brag about it to your friends. One of my favorite tangible rewards to give would have to be stickers. I have smiley faces and “teacher” stickers with phrases such as “Cool!” or “Good Job!”. The most coveted of all my stickers would have to be the American flag stickers. They are awarded only for tests (not homework) with scores of 89% or better. Some of my students (adults) ask me before the test if they get an 89% or better, could they get their sticker “unstuck”. Usually, they want to put the sticker on their class book or computer.

Another kind of reward is the opportunity to give me homework, too. Yes, sometimes I allow my students to give me Polish homework and then laugh at my mistakes. I’m generous and self-deprecating like that.

If there are rewards, there have to be punishments as well. Adult students are really reluctant to do homework and by reluctant, I mean lazy. No amount of explaining, asking, pleading, ordering, screaming or stickers will get them to do it. So instead I have to resort to punishment – punishments which I call “The Power of Public Humiliation”. They don’t teach that at teacher’s college, and it is a pity because I feel public humiliation as a teaching tool is surprisingly effective and highly underrated ;)

Punishment #1 – Students who do not do their homework, must sing a song for the class…with the classroom door open for the whole office to hear. Number 1 most selected song by students would have to be the very popular Kotek na Płotek with Happy Birthday coming in a close 2nd.

For the most stubborn of cases, I implement Punishment #2 –If your boss is paying for your lessons, you have to explain to your boss why you don’t have your homework, now, right this minute, with me by your side. That one works, but then they hate me. It’s a trade-off.

Sometimes I don’t have to resort to punishment. I just threaten them with the power of, “Your boss said…” It’s a kind of good cop/bad cop game or more like good teacher/bad boss, except what the students don’t know is that in most cases their boss didn’t say anything. It’s a bluff – insert evil laugh here…Wahahahahaaaa…

When all else fails, I bribe them…with baked goods. Do not underestimate the guilt-value of a homemade banana-nut muffin. I can easily get a month’s worth of homework out of that.

It’s not just homework that students don’t want to do. They don’t want to do grammar, either. Lately, in an effort to get some of my students to do more grammar, I have come up with a scheme which seemingly forces them to choose grammar exercises and like it.

How do I do it? It is ingeniously simple. It’s all about choice. I offer them 2 possible activities for the lesson, one being grammar and the other being much worse. They always snap up the grammar, grateful at having been spared the “much worse”.

“Much worse” is different for different students. For some it is a text to read, for others it is a speaking activity, but for the some of my students, it is the grammar exercise which is the “much worse”. So for those who hate grammar exercises, really dread them, I have to be a bit more creative with the “much worse”. Out come the articles on difficult or boring topics: Pregnancy and Childbirth: A Lesbian’s Perspective, The Inevitability of Gay Marriage, Valentine’s Day Vasectomy Discounts….you know, your basic Sunday morning reading.

I have one group of gentlemen who are very grammar averse and by grammar averse, I mean lazy. I knew that to get them to finally stop stalling, I’d have to pull out the big guns. Bam! Grammar exercises or New Circumcision Recommendations of the AMA. Exasperated sigh, my plan backfired. They chose the circumcision article, even after I explained what circumcision was. I gave my students the incorrect statistic that 90% of American males are circumcised which prompted them to ask in disbelief “19 or 90”. I wasn’t far off though, as the estimated rate is around 80%. Despite the painful topic, the conversation was quite good and my students learned some words they may never have had an opportunity to learn. How they will ever use those new words at work is their own problem.

Next time their choice is going to be between difficult grammar exercise and even more difficult grammar exercises.

No more fooling around!

PS When I took my first trip to the sea side, I remember that my new friend asked me, “Are all men in America circumcised?” I responded, “I don’t know. I haven’t checked them all yet.” ;)

WWIII started by the English!

The English language that is. I am the first to admit that my English is not perfect. Have you noticed my punctuation issues?Even though English is my first and basically only language, I have been known to make a mistake or two. Nothing serious, but it has happened. For my husband, English is a second language and his English is impeccable. Excluding one unfortunate hyphen/hymen mix-up while giving an address, I can honestly say that I have never heard him make a mistake in English. For that reason, I often pick his brain concerning pressing English language issues that I may have. Yes, our marriage is just that exciting.

What does the proper use of the English language mean for me? Well, most importantly, it means that I have a job. It is my job to help people develop their language skills and to my students I always say - “Your success is my success” – your failure, however, is all your own ;) But those are people for whom the English language is a second language if not a third or fourth. I do a little of teaching, correcting, encouraging and sometimes even disciplining. Even in a conversation lesson, I am constantly “on” listening for mistakes and supplying the missing word or sentence structure. If I were not a teacher, I probably would not even pay attention to subject-verb agreement or double negatives, but as I teach, watch TV or read, I can’t turn off my English teacher ears.

If you are an English teacher and you’d like to pain your teacher ears, I invite you for a viewing of the Jerry Springer Show. While I am not a Jerry Springer fan, I have watched it a few times and am truly embarrassed that it is broadcast in Poland. It is like airing your country’s dirty laundry for all the other countries to see. It has been said that the guests are not genuine, that either they are paid actors or that they tried to get on the show for fun. I disagree because in actuality people’s stupidity knows no bounds and also because I can hear when they speak that they are sincere no matter how crazy the topic is. However, there was one case that I was pretty sure was a fake. I don’t remember the topic exactly but it involved a secret (don’t they all?) in which a young lady had to reveal to her partner that she was in fact a stripper. I became suspicious first by the over-the-top reaction of the partner, but then by the lady’s proper use of the 3rd conditional. Not that strippers cannot have good grammar, but her appropriate use seemed somehow incongruous with her life story. To be fair, even Wolf Blitzer of CNN made a mistake in the 2nd conditional last week (I know, I need a hobby).

If you are rusty on your grammar…

2nd conditional: If I were you, I would not do that.

3rd conditional: If you had not stolen that car, you would not have been in prison. (you are out of prison-the crime and the prison stay are both in the past)

2nd/3rd mixed: If you had not stolen that car, you would not be in prison. (you are still in prison)

There is a language bone of contention in our house. It concerns the use of present continuous over present simple. Present simple should be used for (among other things) permanent states while present continuous is used for temporary states. So, if you haven’t seen me for a long time, let’s say, since high school and you ask what I’m up to, I will say “I’m living in Poland”. And from that one innocent sentence, WWIII breaks out in our house. Why? Because in that one sentence, I have shared with you my deepest feelings about my life in Poland. I have let you know that I see my stay in Poland as temporary. I do not answer, “I live in Poland” which suggests a permanency, but rather “I’m living in Poland” as if I’ve got one foot out the door already. But the rest of my actions don’t say that. I’m married to a Polish man. We have 2 kids together. We have a business together. We bought an apartment and house together with the joint mortgage debt that comes with them. I say that actions speak louder than words, but Misiu says that my words say what I really think.

Who’s right?

Awkward moments

Here is just the first installment of awkward moments I have had with my students. There will be more to come.

Who are my students? Mostly, they are business people who would like to learn English for work. If they are lucky enough, they have lessons at the office, during work hours, paid by their company. Most often they already know some English but from time to time I get a student who is just starting out. I teach factory workers, accountants, doctors, company presidents, politicians, lawyers, other teachers, university students and even some children. Some of my students take lessons just for fun, some focus on business English and others are preparing for exams such as CAE. I also have a small group of students who have lessons because their friends have lessons with me and they want to have bragging rights too. For whatever reasons my students have lessons, I am happy to teach them awkward moments and all.

**Please note that the ranking does not represent level of actual awkwardness. It represents nothing other than what popped into my head first.**

Awkward moment #1 When I go to a company for a first lesson, it is easy to place my student in the hierarchy of the company. I see the position on the door, the size of the office, the number of hot secretaries, the obligatory leather furniture, the framed picture with Bill Gates (Did somebody say, “Next, please”?) and any other office status symbols. When I meet on neutral ground for a first lesson, I often get some information like this from my boss Misiu, Przezes Zarządu (CEO) of our language school: “You gotta meet with Jurek from the bank. 9 am Saturday. Don’t be late.” And so I met with Jurek from the bank on a Saturday morning 9:00 sharp. I was wearing jeans and a blouse. Jurek was also wearing jeans and a t-shirt that had seen better days. Think the t-shirt you paint your house in after you’ve painted your house.

With coffee, notebooks and pens ready, the first-lesson tango begins.

“Where are you from?” he asks. “From Pennsylvania,” I answer.

“Why do you want to learn English?” I ask. “For work,” he answers.

“Why did you decide to come Poland?” he asks. “Long story,” I say.

“How long have you been learning English?” I enquire. “For 15 years, on and off,” he states.

“Mówisz po polsku (Do you speak Polish)?” he jokes. “Trochę (a little),” I laugh.

“What do you do at the bank?” I ask.

The music stops and our tango screeches to a halt.

“Hmm, umm, well I, ah, I work there,” he says.

“Ok, but you have a job title, I suppose. What is it? Knowing what you do will help me prepare our lessons,” I explain.

“Well, I do so many things that my job title is unimportant,” he defends.

“I understand that, but it must say something on your business card,” I pry.

“Well, it does but it doesn’t really matter because it is my brother’s bank. I basically help my brother,” he explains.

Reverting to Valley Girl, I ask, “ So like what, like your brother, like owns the bank?”

“Yes,” he replies.

Thank goodness I had not led out with my Exercise on the 2nd Conditional entitled, What would you do if you had a million dollars?

Awkward moment #2

After many lessons with questions such as the million dollar one from above, I can predict what my students are going to say and what mistakes they are going to make. That’s my job. However, you should not ask a question assuming you know the answer and you should never ask a question you do not really want the answer to. I learned that lesson well when I was starting out teaching. (BTW, top answer by Polish people to the million dollar question is to travel around the world.)

I had what I thought was a brilliant worksheet practicing the difference between “Have you ever done this?” and “Would you ever do that?” Most of the questions were pretty tame like “Have you ever eaten sushi?” or “ Would you ever jump out of an airplane?” For one particular student I decided to spice up the questions a bit. With the mildly spicy question “Have you ever driven drunk?” I got to know that my definition of drunk driving (drinking alcohol and then driving) is different than my student’s definition (drinking alcohol, driving, getting caught by the police). The question “Have you ever stolen anything?” required a Bill Clinton definition of what exactly “ to steal” means. In the eyes of my student, poorly-secured items could not be classified under “stolen” and if you acquired them while abroad, whether the items were secured or not ceased to be an issue. While strange, those moments were not awkward. Here comes the awkward.

First, I must explain that this student had a peculiar habit of closing his eyes for extended periods of time while speaking. He would begin to speak and take a 20-second or longer blink. It was very unnerving when we started our lessons together. Later, I learned to take advantage of my 20 seconds of invisibility to yawn, glance at the clock or scratch my nose. After learning that my student had in fact eaten sushi, been bungee-jumping and climbed Kilimanjaro, I asked the next question on the list, “Have you ever been to a prostitute?” ha, ha, ha. A very awkward yet honest answer ensued. My student had started his career as a sailor and as a sailor often frequented prostitutes in ports all around the world. Thank goodness his eyes were closed and he couldn’t see that my face was red as a beet.

Awkward moment #3

Awkward moment #3 also involves a 2nd Conditional Exercise. Who knew that grammar could be so dangerous? The student in this case was a very nice, soft-spoken middle manager. He was so nice in fact that he made up a wife to talk about in order to make the lessons more interesting. It almost backfired on him when he invited the secretary on a date and I told her that he was married!

Question: Would you donate a kidney to a stranger?

Answer: No. (That’s not the shocking part.)

Question: Would you donate a kidney to a family member?

Answer: No. (Still not shocking)

Question: Would you donate a kidney to your child?

Answer: No. (There’s the shock for ya.)

Chris: No?! Not even your own child!?

Selfish, middle manager: No.

Chris: But, but why not?

Selfish, middle manager: I have only one kidney.

Totally embarrassed English teacher: Oh, sorry about that.

One-kidneyed, middle manager (There’s one-legged so I guess that is how to write one-kidneyed): That’s ok, you didn’t know. Maybe my wife could donate her kidney…

Misiu has reminded me that I have also had awkward moments while teaching in the US-maybe next time.

What about your awkward moments?