Monday morning na wsi

I have long envied men the penis. It is true. Oh not for the reasons you might suppose. As a member of the clan of the small bladder, I have envied men their external equipment for the sheer convenience of emptying the bladder easily and freely in nature. As my envy runs strong and deep, I certainly do not want to be confronted with my lack of convenient outdoor peeing ability by watching someone exercise their outdoor peeing ability...outside my kitchen window, at 8:00 a.m. as I make my morning coffee, penis-possessing pee-er facing towards the window, of course, not away.

You would think that brooding Amerykanka before her coffee standing at the window would be enough to deter the morning pees (yes, plural). But you would be wrong.

The pee-ers were part of a crew sent out to check our new sewer line. When I say "our" I mean my village - we've finally been connected to the main sewer line. And when I say "we" I mean basically nobody. Nobody on our street hooked up. We all have septic tanks, some of us even have fancy, smancy ecological septic systems. 

So when the crew had finished their public urination, smoking, and basic standing around, I saw that they came into our yard and were trying to open our septic system. I immediately opened the window to ask "Dude, whatchyadoin?" to which I got an explanation of how they were checking the new sewer pipes and so on. I replied that we were not connected to the sewer system to which the man replied that I must be mistaken as I have a manhole cover in my garden. This goes on for awhile until they are finally satisfied that that stinky containers in my front garden are actually part of our ecological septic system and not the municipal sewer system.

At this point I decided I could ask for a prośba, a little favor. Explaining that I fully understand their lack of dignified hygienic conditions and expressing my envy at their ability to conveniently empty their bladders, I requested that in the future they turn away from the windows while urinating as to maintain their privacy and my innocence :) They immediately apologized, promising to change their ways and came up with a favor themselves - 5 coffees and a cup of tea.

And that is how I came to be drinking coffee in my driveway at 8:30 this morning with 6 municipal sewer inspectors. That's how we start a typical day here in my village.

P.S. I decided to forgive them the public urinatuion as they did apologize. I even give them extra points for recognizing Lizzie is a girl. She made it hard dressed in camouflage and a hoodie. Okay, with a small minus for asking for explicit details of my heating bills and square meters of my house. They even inquired as to the presence of a dog and/or husband at home. I did not divulge presence or absence of dog or husband, but instead told them that I have a gun. That was a pretty good place to end our conversation. 

The aftermath-

Kielbasa Stories on Facebook

Kielbasa Stories can now be found on Facebook.

I decided if Misiu, the man who repeatedly said that social networking is for Communists, finally joined Facebook, then Kielbasa Stories could join too.

Any tips or advice on how to best utilize a blog fan page would be appreciated.

Sank you very much!

MŁODA KAPUSTA ZASMAŻANA Z KOPERKIEM

FRIED CABBAGE WITH DILL

We are a cabbage family. We love cabbage. Bigos, cabbage. Coleslaw, cabbage. Gołąbki, the best part is the cabbage. We especially love fried cabbage. It's really easy if you have a food processor. It's less easy if you don't.

You'll need:

a small cabbage, a carrot, an onion, dill, caraway, salt & pepper, sugar, vinegar, flour, butter.

Here's what to do:

Chop the onion and fry in a large frying pan using about 4 tablespoons of butter. When the onions soften and start to brown, add the grated cabbage and some grated carrot. This is where the food processor comes in handy. Hand grating isn't my thing. Add some water and cook the cabbage till it's soft. That will depend on the age of the cabbage and how thick it is cut. As the cabbage cooks add some salt, pepper, dill, and cumin to taste. Add a splash of vinegar and a teaspoon or two of sugar. Stir in some flour or other thickener. Cook everything down till the cabbage is soft and the liquid has reduced. Give it a taste and adjust the spices to your liking.

Smacznego. I hope you like it.

Kefirek, my love.

I like kefir. Mmmm kefir with that lovely, zingy, slightly sour taste. It's refreshing and if you choose the plain one (the only kind I drink), it's a relatively low fat, low calorie protein boost. 

And apparently it's good for a hangover according to Misiu.

Misiu is the one who introduced me to kefir, not for a hangover, for breakfast. Well, I am sure I didn't have a hangover at least. We were traveling, and we needed a quick, convenient, and cheap morning meal. Kefir and a roll. Easy peasy.

I still occasionally drink kefir for breakfast on the go. I also add it to recipes calling for milk or yogurt. Sometimes I use kefir to make a smoothie for myself and the kids.

Kefir is not completely unknown in the United States. It can be found in large cities and in specialty shops. I suspect the demand is fueled firstly by immigrants and secondly by health nuts. Kefir cannot be found in small town grocery stores in America as Misiu discovered as he stood with a huge hangover at the dairy counter in the grocery store in my hometown. He searched the shelves in desperation and then asked, "What is 'kefir' in English?" Kefir is kefir but that didn't help in locating it on the shelf. He decided to go for the buttermilk hoping it was the same as Polish maślanka, vowing to never drink again. American maślanka isn't exactly the same and the vow to never drink again, well, let's just say we have free access to Polish kefir now.

Na zdrowie.

Here's what the press has had to say about kefir lately:

http://natemat.pl/129655,amerykanie-odkryli-kefir-tylko-nikt-nie-wie-jak-wymowic-jego-nazwe

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/01/08/kefir-next-greek-yogurt_n_6436992.html

http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2013/09/12/kefir-benefits_n_3914818.html

Ciąża i poród – w Polsce czy USA?

For you Polish speakers out there, check out this blog post written by author and midwife, Maria Lepucka. Oh, and I might appear somewhere in there too.

Happy reading.

/http://www.feminasum.pl/blog/ciaza-i-porod-w-polsce-czy-usa/

What resolutions?

Or should I say "What fucking resolutions are you talking about, bitch?"

Wow. Chris version 2015 has some issues.

I do. I admit it. And flipping the calendar over isn't going to change them a damn bit.

My issues probably started the day I was born. Thanks genetics.

A little over a month ago I decided to do all my blood tests especially concentrating on thyroid (my mother's side) and cholesterol (my fathers side). Misiu decided to do his blood work too.

Flipping through the pages of results I commented to Misiu "Wow. Your cholesterol is really high." He leaned over, took a glance at the paper and said, "That's yours."

Almost 300.

294. That's almost 300.

That's like 100 more than normal.

Yep, this non-drinking, non-smoking, thin, exercising Amerykanka has a cholesterol level of almost 300. Oh and I have an under active thyroid. Good news all around.

The good news is that my good cholesterol is high. The bad news is that I cannot quit smoking and drinking, lose weight and start exercising to get my bad cholesterol under control. 

For the last month I decided to do take on my carbohydrates and see what happens....while I wait for my endocrinologist visit.

After one month of restricted animal fat, good fat only, zero trans fat and low carbs, I brought my cholesterol down by about 30.

I don't have any clever conclusions about that. Next blood test is in two months.

Bigos, baby!

Bigos is a Polish sauerkraut dish. It's warm, filling, perfect for cold winter days, and it's a crowd pleaser. Chris's Bigos Recipe can be found at the end of the post.

OK, it's a crowd pleaser when I make it, and the crowd consists of my family. It is not a crowd pleaser when your neighbor's father makes it, improperly stores it in jars, and you and your whole family (minus the one person who didn't eat any Bigos) spend the next three days in the bathroom. That was a couple of years ago, and it completely put us off Bigos. That's not what we had in mind for a New Year's cleanse.

I'm from Pennsylvania where it is a New Year tradition to make pork and sauerkraut served over mashed potatoes. They say it is an Amish tradition and that it brings good luck. With that tradition in mind, we decided to try our hand at Bigos again this year. I am proud to say that everything turned out as planned.

Bigos - Stage one: frying the onion, garlic, mushrooms and sausage with the other meat boiling in the back.

Bigos - Stage two: all ingredients simmering in the pot. Be prepared to be on "pot duty" in the kitchen. Somebody's got to keep stirring the Bigos so it doesn't stick to the bottom of the pot.

Bigos - Stage three: finished product after an entire day of cooking. The cabbage and meat are completely softened, and the color has darkened. 

Slice of bread and ceramics from Boleslawiec, optional. Polish breakfast of champions 😉

Chris's Bigos Recipe - Polish Sauerkraut 

Ingredients 

1.5 kilos (3 pounds) sauerkraut

1 large carrot 

1 onion

a couple cloves of garlic

1/4 pound mushrooms white or wild

prunes (20)

200 grams tomato paste (small jar)

1 tablespoon honey

meat of your choice but should include one smoked - I used smoked sausage and beef roast.

salt & pepper 

marjoram 

cumin - whole not ground

allspice - 3 berries 

laurel/bay leaf -2 or 3 leaves

juniper berry -2 or 3 crushed

sweet or semi sweet red wine - glass or two

How to make Bigos:

Rinse and chop the sauerkraut. Start cooking in pot or crockpot with some water. Grate or slice the carrot and add to the pot. Add water as needed. Some folks add some grated fresh cabbage as well. 

Fry the onion, garlic, mushrooms, and sausage. Boil or fry the remaining meat. I use 2 kinds of meat only, but some folks add smoked sausage, beef, pork or ham, and fried bacon. Add everything to the pot with the prunes, whole or chopped, spices and wine to taste, honey, and tomato paste. If you'd like a thicker stew, add some flour as a thickener. Cook forever till everything is soft and yummy. 

Adjust ingredients and proportions to your family's taste.

Smacznego!