My first Polish jokes - Painters at PZU

For some reason when I first came to Poland, people liked telling me jokes especially the joke (maybe you know it) with the punch line “piłka…do metalu” (complete with arm motions showing a ball and then a saw). The problem with that joke is that it is only funny in Polish. Translated to English it doesn’t make any sense. And even if you can figure it out, nothing kills a joke more than a long, drawn out explanation. So after about the 10th time hearing this joke, I just smiled and laughed at the appropriate time thus allowing at least the joke-teller some enjoyment.

So while living at PZU (if you don’t know, check out some old posts), I had an opportunity to hear this joke again – from the painters.

It was definitely unfortunate for me that PZU decided to paint their premises during the year of my stay. I got to know about it when I came home to my Archives and found my door wide open and all my belongings gone, excluding the contents of the wardrobe which were still there (but the door to the room was open and unlocked). I immediately went to the caretaker to politely inquire as to what was going on (translate – to ask her what the f*#$ was going on). She informed me that the building was being painted and that I had been moved to another room. Strangely enough, they wanted to leave my wardrobe in its original place but they moved the fridge from the kitchen to another room for me. Weird.

After many a morning of running into the painters on my way to or from the bathroom, one painter decided to be brave and talk to me. He started with a joke. I politely waited for the punch line and after seeing the hand movements indicating “a ball for sawing” I laughed accordingly. My newfound painter friend, spurred on by my laugher, decided to tell me another joke unfamiliar to me. As I didn’t understand a word, I didn’t laugh at the appropriate moment and after an awkward silence I said goodbye and continued back to my room. About 15 minutes later a friend came to visit me. She had also brought a message with her from the painters. They asked her to apologize to me for their “off-color” joke. Apparently, the second joke was a bit risqué and they thought that was why I hadn’t laughed.

All turned out well as the painters later invited me for a shot of vodka in my (and all of PZU’s) kitchen. When I stammered out one of the few clumsy yet useful phrases I knew in Polish “Bez popitki?”(without chaser?), the vodka-pouring painter laughed whole-heartedly and called for all the other painters to join us. A little bit later, well exactly 4 shots later, I had to excuse myself to go to one extra-curricular hour of English at the vocational school. When I arrived, my students, judging by the redness of my cheeks, decided that the weather must have turned colder since the morning ;) Yeah, yeah, I know, I know, totally unprofessional and unethical behavior I exhibited at the start of my career.

PS More recently I had a group of business people every Monday and Friday morning. The deal was that Mondays were mine, I could teach whatever “business crap” (as they put it) I wanted and Fridays were theirs to talk about whatever subjects they wanted – usually cars and cars and cars.

Every Friday morning started out with the “Peter Show” a 5-minute joke-telling set by the Vice-President of the Board of Directors aka Peter. His jokes were definitely off-color which I enjoy (who doesn’t?) and his comedic timing perfect. What he was lacking, due to all that “business crap” I was teaching them, was the proper vocabulary needed to tell such variety of jokes. So every lesson began with a pre-lesson vocabulary check with me. You know, nobody wants to “burn” a good joke. However, when you as teacher are asked practically all the vocabulary needed for a joke, you’ve pretty much got the joke figured out. But no worries, my fake but sincere-sounding laughing skills are just about perfected after all these years of teaching adults (just kidding). To give you an idea of how my Friday mornings usually started, here’s a taste…(attention - it's gonna be vulgar)

Peter: Chris, Chris! I have a really funny joke to start the lesson today. I just need one word.

Me: Cool. What’s the word?

Peter: How do you say “pizda” in English?

I knew that lesson was going to be a doozey.

I love my job!

Something's up

Something's up with blogger so all comments and posts from the last few days have vanished. Let's see what happens to this short post.

Feel free to comment about any topic just to check if it works.

Pakistan….

…you got some ‘splainin’ to do!

The Aqua Park: the place where I go to cure all my complexes

Over the long May weekend (May 1st is Labor Day and May 3rd is Constitution Day), we decided to pack up the kids and take them to the Aqua Park. Unfortunately, half of the City had the same idea.

The park opened at 9 a.m. and we arrived about 10 minutes before and waited in a short line. A few minutes after 9 we were at the cashier and 93 zloty later we were in the changing room with a family pass for the whole day.

Our girls wanted to hit the kiddy pool first which is a nice, shallow pool with a slide for the younger kids. It is also hot, something like bathwater, but it is a good place to start the morning because after an hour or two it is always packed with new moms and dads and their little babies.

After a bit, the kids got braver and braver and with Mommy and Daddy and their favorite Ciocia* explored the wave pool, the salt water pool outside, the Lazy River (which also travels outside), the big slide and the indoor playground. I personally spent at least 2 hours in the Lazy River with Lizzie and let me tell you, it is not that lazy. To keep yourself and your child afloat without crashing into other swimmers is pretty difficult. Misiu even came away from the Lazy River with a cut on his hand to which the swimming pool medic slapped on a non-waterproof band-aid. Witaj w Polsce!

After 5 hours, the kids absolutely did not want to go home. And they didn’t really have to. The Aqua Park has a restaurant and a place to rest. I even saw some of the little kids having a nap in the playpens provided by the park.

The best part for me besides having fun with the kids is checking out the other swimmers. That’s how I cure my complexes and boost my self-esteem.

There were the people who wanted to keep covered up at all costs. I understand those folks a bit because I don’t like to hang out everywhere either and I definitely don’t want to see what someone else has hanging out. That’s why I chose a swimming suit which, umm, well, keeps everything contained.

In the baby pool, you can really feel good about yourself in comparison because let’s face it, new moms are usually packing a few extra pounds. I remember that was me with 6-month-old Rosie (and an extra 10 pounds) on my hip a few years ago.

I don’t even check out the dads. It’s just an array of flat stomachs, fat stomachs, back hair (better to ignore) and speedo style swimming trunks (eeewww). The new dads have usually got a video camera in hand.

There were a lot of figure flaws on display, but also a lot of physically fit folks - our favorite Ciocia included. I also noticed that tattoos are becoming more and more popular but it seems that experienced tattoo artists must be in short supply judging from some of the amateurish creations I saw. That also brings me to a point of unscientific research I have been working on – Can one, in polite society, openly stare at a stranger’s tattoo? I would venture a guess as to “yes”. I mean, why else would you get a 15 centimeter tattoo on your back and then take your shirt off? Surely, you want this masterpiece to be appreciated by others. My in-field research has shown that 15 seconds is the border between appreciative admiring and shameless gapienie.

I admit to some shameless gapienie. I couldn’t help myself. I had to check how long before the very attractive young women (in permanent make-up) realized that her white swimming suit was completely transparent when wet. It took her quite a while actually. She spent the rest of her visit either under water or covered in a towel and t-shirt.

I also kept another lady in my radar. She was probably my age or less with a beautiful figure, lovely swimming suit, impossible orange tan, perfect hair (also orange), full make-up and a permanently pissed-off look on her face. She came to the pool with her husband and son and somehow expected not to get wet. Every splash of water in her direction (in the wave pool!) was met with an even more pissed off look (if possible) and an angry reprimand of her husband who apparently is to blame for all the world’s wrongdoings. We got wet from head to toe, ran into a friend with his son, spent a wonderful time and somehow did not fall asleep in the car on the way home. It was a good day.

*Our favorite Ciocia is every kids dream. She loves to sing and dance, play games, go to the playground and go to the pool. I think she also loves Lizzie and Rosie. A few weeks ago, Lizzie asked me if I know why Ciocia is so great. I had a few suggestions such as Ciocia likes to read stories or sing songs. Lizzie agreed but those were not the best thing about Ciocia. The best thing about Ciocia according to Lizzie is that you can sit on her. Yes, you can sit her. Poor Ciocia.

PS What a fantastic May weekend. It has started to SNOW! Do you think it is a bad idea to learn how to ride a bike without training wheels inside our apartment?

Breżniew is always right

Misiu, a kid at heart, loves to play games with our girls. That works out well because the kids love to play with him too. Misiu’s latest favorite game in entitled “Breżniew is always right”.

Would you like to play?

Misiu: We are playing “Breżniew is always right” and I am Breżniew.

Lizzie: (always agreeable) OK.

Misiu as Breżniew: Pick a number.

Lizzie: 5

Misiu: 6. I win! Pick a number.

Lizzie: 8

Misiu: 9. I win! Pick a number.

Lizzie: (thinking intently the highest number she knows) 17!

Misiu: 18! I win. Breżniew is always right.

Lizzie then tried out the game on me.

Lizzie: Mommy, I am Breżniew. (not a sentence I thought I would ever hear from my daughter)

Me: OK.

Lizzie: (nothing)

Me: Pick a number.

Lizzie: 11

Me: 12! I win!

Lizzie: But Mommy, I am Breżniew and Breżniew is always right.

Misiu to Lizzie: Tell Mommy to be careful. She doesn’t want to find out what happens to people who outsmart Breżniew.

:)

JP2

I know that everyone is very interested in the royal wedding but over here in Poland we’ve got bigger fish to fry. Bigger than a royal wedding? Yes! The beatification of the late Pope John Paul the Second.

Top that!

Here’s an excellent article from the NY Times by Maureen Dowd entitled Hold the Halo outlining an argument against the “fast-tracked” sainthood.

I would like to recommend another article in Polish from Gazeta Wyborcza’s magazine Duży Format entitled Sekrety pokolenia JP2. The article consists of interviews of people from the “John Paul II Generation” as it is called. I was a bit surprised by the piety of some of the young people interviewed and at the same time the hypocrisy some of them reveal in their answers –but back to that in a moment.

I barely remember when John Paul II became pope, but I do remember it. I shed a tear when he died.I have mixed feelings about JP2, but I do admire him for 2 things. I admire him for his unwavering stance on the beliefs of the Catholic church - saying something to the effect that the beliefs of the Catholic church are not like a buffet table to pick or choose from - a kind of ‘take it or leave it’ attitude. I also listened intently to his opinion on physical suffering and our duty to endure it. As a person who suffered from an illness whose main symptom was pain, I identified with that opinion, admired his strength in his suffering and tried to take some strength for myself from it.

Some folks condemn the late Pope for the same unwavering stance that I admire especially regarding such issues as birth control, homosexuality, women’s rights in the church, etc. I do not regard myself as a member of the church any longer so those issues don’t bother me. My mixed feelings stem not from these issues but from the late Pope’s lack of definitive action regarding child abuse in the church.

In case you haven’t heard, the late Pope John Paul II is due to be sainted - this Sunday to be exact. That seems like a pretty hot topic for folks here in Poland (Pope John Paul II was Polish), but just try to discuss it with some of them. And I mean really discuss it…not just say how great it is. It’s quite a difficult feat.

OK, I don’t want to exaggerate, a few people will discuss it with you in a rational way – turning over such topics as is the sainthood deserved, why it is so fast (compared to previous granting of sainthood), what it means for Poland and for the church, etc. Some other people, suffering from the JP2 media- blitz overkill, don’t want to discuss it anymore. They’ve just had enough. And then there are those who are unable to discuss it at all. They can certainly talk about it, talk in circles actually, but discuss it, no. Every question (intended with a sincere desire to discuss and in no way to mock the church) is answered with some form of the same answer…that it is a wonderful and magical event for Poland (why only for Poland?), that our pope deserves it (with no concrete reasons why), that those who wish to discuss it are only jealous of the faith of others, and so on.

On the radio, I heard a bit of a cabaret that was, well, practically identical to the real conversations you can have with some people about the beatification. In the end of the cabaret, the man who had extolled the virtues of JP2 was asked if he could cite at least one quotation of Pope John Paul II. After thinking for a moment, he shouted proudly, “We used to go there for kremówki!” Pope John Paul II’s famous quote while visiting his hometown of Wadowice where he pointed out for all the bakery where he and his friends used to go for a cake called kremówka. It’s actually delicious and you can buy the package mix from Gellwe for authentic papal kremówka.

Here’s the original quote: A tam była cukiernia. Po maturze chodziliśmy na kremówki. Że myśmy to wszystko wytrzymali, te kremówki po maturze.

Now back to the DF article . Here’s a quick summary in English.

The first interview is of Marzena, age 25, mother and wife, whose husband is a religion teacher. She states that what she liked best about JP2 was his openness and his humanity citing the example that JP2 went to confession too. She admits that she doesn’t agree with all the beliefs of the church, but that she does not use contraceptives and even her husband the religion teacher laughs at her for this. She expresses surprise when she explains how many of her Catholic friends are unaware that the church forbids contraceptives. She also admits that she and her husband, though they tried not to, did engage in pre-marital sex. Regarding the end of the world, she is sure it will happen in her lifetime. She was considering a career in the police force, but as her husband disapproves she says that she will probably give up that idea.

The next is Justyna, aged 27, mother and wife. She is a bit fed up with all the media coverage of JP2 and also doesn’t like that some people already pray to the late Pope. She and her husband did not engage in pre-marital sex and had a “real wedding night”. Now they dream of creating a close family for their son. She does feel that in the family the man has the last word because in her opinion and in the writings of the Bible, the man has a greater responsibility to the family than the woman.

My favorite is next, Andrzej a 26-year-old hairdresser who suffers from a painful illness of the spine. His attitude to the church is to suffer with dignity and try to help others (I can’t argue with that). He believes that faith is a personal thing separate from priests, the church, prayer and whatnot. He feels that his homosexuality is not a sin and that he lives in a committed and normal relationship, and although he would like to have the option of filing taxes jointly with his partner he would never agree to homosexual couples adopting children. He feels that children should not be exposed to such unnaturalness as homosexuality. The local priest did visit their apartment and although the priest did not wish to bless their apartment, he did take the envelope (with a donation) quite easily. Andrzej’s biggest fear is that he will die alone.

Next comes Aleksandra, a 22-year-old biology student. In Aleksandra’s interview I learned a new word in Polish świętokradztwa which is sacrilege in English but sounds a whole lot better in Polish (“holy stealing”). As a kid she felt uncomfortable confessing all her sins and held back some, hence the sacrilege until the guilt finally caught up with her and she asked her religion teacher to give her confession to clear her conscience. Aleksandra has interesting views on in vitro, homosexuality, AIDS and condom use in Africa that can only be chalked up to ignorance. Aleksandra does feel close to JP2 and even with her family had an opportunity to meet the late Pope. She, however, cannot agree with the stance that JP2 was infallible and that some hold him in higher regard (or as high regard) as God. Now, her greatest achievement is to overcome her fear of confession and stand bravely in the confession line.

Waldek is 31 years old, single and lives with his parents and younger sister. His biggest issue with his faith seems to be sex and that apparently he likes to have a lot of it with many different women. Lucky for him, he heard on Radio Józef that if something such as sex or masturbation became an addiction they no longer qualify as sins, so he is not worried.

Michał is 28 years old, married with a child and smiling throughout the whole interview. He takes from the teachings of JP2 the model of dealing with your problems head on, not trying to get out of them. He also liked that the late Pope set the bar high for youth and encouraged young people to do better and be better. My favorite part is when he says that he has personal contact with JP2 not from guessing what JP2 thought but from reading his teachings.

Last but not least is Edyta, age 29, music and cat lover. Edyta has one failed marriage behind her. What that failed marriage and unsuccessful stay abroad have given her, she says, is a greater tolerance and a knowledge that all things don’t depend solely on us.

Enjoy the beatification. Amen.

E.T. vs Czterej pancerni i pies

What says Easter more than a good re-showing of E.T.? Our kids are enjoying Easter Monday chilling out, playing play-dough and watching E.T.

Misiu who is watching too, admires the naiveté of the story – that a teen, a kid and a kindergartener can outsmart the government authorities and help E.T. get home. Why not? Didn’t Gajos, his crew and his dog Szarik (which I always thought was Szalik ‘cause he’s wearing a scarf) from the TV show Czterej pancerni i pies outsmart the whole German army AND the whole Russian army. That’s 4 tanks plus a dog and some token female character vs the Nazi’s and the Russians.

Totally believable, right?