The Gospel according to Doda

I’ve recently discovered a blog that probably the rest of the world discovered more than a year ago - http://www.livingoprah.com/

It’s by a writer from Chicago who did an experiment of living her life for one year following all the advice given by Oprah and her guests. It got me thinking. Who would I model my life after here in Poland if I wanted to do the same experiment?

At first I thought about Ewa Drzyzga whose talk show Rozmowy w toku on TVN is the closest thing we have to The Oprah Winfrey Show…except that it is nothing like it. It’s a talk show alright but there is none of the lifestyle advice or fashion advice or shopping tips or whatever else is on The Oprah Show now ‘cause I haven’t seen it in more than 5 years.

Then I thought about Kinga Rusin, TV journalist and presenter, probably most famous for her divorce from another TV journalist Tomasz Lis (yeah, I know stuff) and her win on the Polish version of Dancing with the Stars. I gave up on that idea. First of all, I can’t dance worth shyte and have you seen her arms? Living the life according to Rusin probably involves a lot of weight-lifting or pick-axing in a mine or testosterone injections or whatever it is that she does to get arms like.

Kinga and her arms.

Maybe former first lady, Jolanta Kwaśniewska, who is said to be a classy lady and now hosts her own television show Lekcja stylu (Style Lessons) on TVN Style. She explains things like the global importance of owning a cashmere twinset and the proper way to eat a ptyś in public. She also follows the model of former US first lady Hillary Clinton (No, not in the political arena. She doesn’t have time when there are so many people with pressing ptyś issues) in that her hair keeps getting bigger and bigger. From all my candidates she would be the best, but I can’t get over the fact that she is a big Communist, oh I mean former Communist, new Social Democrat. Whatever. By the way, she recommends a very complicated ptyś eating procedure which involves cutlery. I have a piece of advice for ya. If you are not confident enough to lick cream off your fingers in public, then don’t pick the ptyś. Order yourself a nice safe piece of cheesecake.

Jolanta and Hillary back in the day and more or less now.

Completely and totally unrelated cheesecake story. Once when boxer Andrzej Gołota (known for hitting Mike Tyson below the belt) was in town for a fight, I met some of his crew by chance at a bakery in the Market Square. They were easy to spot- 2 New Jersey guys wearing sweatsuits that said “Golota Crew” on the back. I helped them with their order of 2 cheesecakes. Yeah, that’s right. Not 2 pieces of cheesecake, but 2 cheesecakes. What’s the proper etiquette for digging into a whole cheesecake in public? I ran into them later at the airport and they were quite sure I was stalking them.

That leaves me with one obvious choice, Dorota Rabczewska aka Doda the famous Polish popstar. She’s kind of like the Polish Madonna but in her younger years. Yes, she is a bit scandalous but who cares? When you have an arse like that you can command the world. My life as Doda would begin with obvious cosmetic surgery. Then I would have to learn to sing or something. Next on my agenda after visiting the little Lolita dress shop would be getting myself a football player husband to marry and then leave and then get back together with and then leave again, and so on. I think some tatoos would be in order as well. And what should all of that bring me? Well I’m hoping for a legion of loyal fans. In fact, I know where I could get my first fans - in my village. Let me explain. In my village, there’s no bar. There used to be, except the bar didn’t have a liquor license (I’m totally serious) so you had to go to the shop, buy some alcohol and come back. For obvious reasons, the bar went under. Now if you’d like to drink in the company of your friends (ie other former PGR workers who want to get away from their wives for awhile) you need to go to the shop, buy some alcohol and drink in the little “bar” set up by the shop owner. I would never dare enter this place but under the cover of early morning, I was able to get a shot of it.

In my opinion it looks a little bit like a chapel with an altar to…...you guessed it, my new life coach Doda!

I will let you know how my plan works out ;)